It’s discouraging that when I look back on places and people, I remember so little. Now, anytime I see something beautiful (which is quite often) I try my best in hoping that it has been permanently seared in whatever kind if memory bank I have. I hope to remember. I think back to the condominium that I lived in for ten years, and am disheartened to find that I have no recollection of what its outside looked like. I just remember thinking that the swirling shade the trees cast on the front of the house was very pretty.

Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that I lived in such a different way than I do now. All I used to think about were ways I could look good or appeal to others. No lie, I still do a little, I think everyone does to some extent, but for the majority of the time, I’m focused on other things, natural organic things that offer themselves, in small moments, nevertheless potent ones.

Whenever I read a book, I realize the practical impossibility of me actually writing one. Silly. At least for now. My attention span probably has a bit of influence over any diligence I might suggest.

As silly as it seems, I’m really excited for graduation. It’s a year late, I know but finally. I’m listening to The National’s new album. It’s enjoyable. I love the lead singer’s voice. While it may be monotonous to some, I find it different, all low and rusty. Fake Empire off of their album, Boxer, will always be a favorite. I love how simple it is. A lot of people’s singing voice is different from their speaking voice. I feel like both of his are the same. It kind of reminds me of John Lennon’s Imagine not in content, but language. How just the piano and his voice are in such a union. Tim showed me a song by John that I’d never heard before and it was very nice. I’m so caught between John and George. Deep down, John will always belong to my sister. George was (ehem Ely) the soul, but I love how he didn’t need to say it to show it. It didn’t seem to me like he had anything to prove to anyone. He just lived for peace within himself. That’s very beautiful. I use beautiful a lot, lol. It’s because so many things are! Here are some other words I could use…  stunning, striking, lovely, picturesque, spectacular, remarkable, arresting, salient, exquisite, divine, celestial…

Light

The sky

Clouds

Water

Shadows/Shade

These are things, which in any state, equal the likes of all previously mentioned descriptors.

I wonder what moments of insecurity people experience, especially those who seem very confident and secure. I used to watch music videos of pop stars and wished  I could be as “pretty” as they were. I was such a little girl. I still am though in many ways. I feel like all of us have moments when we’re brought to our core, the person we were then. It reminds me of To Be Treated Right by Terry Reid. The times where we pray, even though we may not even believe in god. We’re brought to absolute desperation. It’s quite lovely. When we cry like little babies. When we feel helpless and hopeless. People are so layered and multifaceted. I love how human we all are, no matter if we show otherwise.

I think the best gifts are mix CD’s. It’s honestly the only way I can really read a person and understand how I connect with them. I really adore the CD Tim made for me. It explains perfectly, in plain sight, who he is and how he feels. Music can encode so much. It’s so much better than anything I could say. One day I’ll make it instead of just play it.