summer days were just a magazine, a magazine, a magazine...
cutting grass for gasoline, for gasoline
so i can see you soon...

fall swooned
left me drunk in a field
dandelion wine for a year
and i packed up the dust
of all that i owned
handkerchief hung from a pole
i rolled out the day that the apples fell...

I'd  kind of whore myself out to have Pandora 25/8.... ONE DAY
          I love finding so much glorious music on this website of wonderment

MICHAEL FUCKING LARSEN
god rest his soul
 i love how his voice is so white and unattractive. It; doesn't follow any tropes of rap or hip hop. It's just what it is... abstract,

Two sets of footprints placed ahead of the dirt softened from tear drops
And overlooking the earth as the son of the moon
protected by a forcefield of pure thought.. On this I stand
A rally of unemployed disgrunt of words on for long journeys to somewhere
somewhere that only causes me pain as I strain my soul crammin into rightness
so I can bring some there,
I bleed the blood of a cold stone that rolls without a shadow
I'm only deep enough to realize that I'm shallow
My head I keep it up but its hard to keep it straight
when you don't believe in love,
and you just cant cope with hate

Metal rust, leaves turn into dust,

as the difference between love and lust clarifies as trust

if you only had an hour to sum your whole life up

would you spend that hour sayin that an hour ain't enough

I've mistaken the shield that bound me a cowardess

now I'm faithful to the wind but compared to it I'm powerless

the first step was made, and it was a fair accomplishment

the pond was sittin still, so I threw a rock in it

and as my reflection rippled it all became clear

the seasons always change so there's no reason for fear

we made an autobiography of our pivotal years

its all I got and I'm giving it you because I care

A lot of the time humans are hard to stay susistent

self-projecting state of falsehood

were either too close to our image to stay objective in our conception,

or too far away to be subjective in any matter

this only widens our void in social conformity

introduced to our souls at birth and so I write.

I don't write without the intention of objectivity

or attention in the image

but only as an unright directional bridge

between the several flowing tunes scripture

reality is present in countless space and time

see I don't write for the future,

I write about the future, for the present

I write with my past, about the future, for the present.

On this I stand

The oasis of the limbo adjacent to my generation, facing out the window

waiting for some ventilation, patient while the wind blows

faceful in its demonstration, overall innovation.

On this I stand

A fountain of youth sovereignty, found in syllables more than a pound of flesh

deep breath of achievement, a dream and a wake up call

another haul of the quest.

On this I stand

Another loved civilization.

On this I stand

The purity of creation.

On this I stand

A paradigm for self.

On this I stand

I thank you for your help.

On this I stand
My first born child.
On this I stand
Something for now.
On this I stand
Life, love, death and hate.
On this I stand
And helmwood, glad you could relate. Peace...

RAMBLINGS

Fuck, this sucks. (Those are some choice words there aha.)
I can't get my mind off that asshole, who's literally probably fucking someone right now. I've been told multiple times that he's doing a lot of girls. It makes me want to hurt him so badly and I 'm the complete opposite of violent. I don't resort to it. I keep thinking of what I would say if we ever talked to him. part of me wants to say how he broke me and cut me up into little peices and spread them all over kingdom fucking come. And the other parts wants me to be polite and strong and okay. struggle. That's kind of what I feel every second. (But like a pussy struggle, I dont have cancer, I havnt been raped, I feel like my problems are shallow) An internal battle of unadultered hate or real love. I keep having this dream where he and i are at a party and he starts making out with some girl and he knows I'm watching and so I go alone upstairs to a bedroom to get away from it all. I fall asleep and then I wake up and he's doing it with a girl in the same fucking room and then when he's finished he offers me cocaine. what the fuck man. That's something that really bothered me. that we had so much sex and to him it was just an activity. it wasn't a special intimate act of love like it was to me. And then in our last fight he just says how boring i was. Was like sticking needles and pins straight into my heart strings. I hate how I'm so torn apart by this. It's so hard to smile, to laugh. I can only feel a kind of happiness when Im not sober. The pain is constantly looming in the back of my consciousness. and it consumes my subconscience. How long will this take. How much more time.
I just NEED to accept things the way they are.

I wish I had adventures every day. going places. experiencing new things and all the things I never knew existed... I met aumi and panda thursday night and had a lovely, chill time. I'd like to get to know them better and hear their life's stories.

I've kind of always wanted to recreate myself and I do. The past year has been the only time I've really been myself and kept steady. I'd like a new name though. I want to be Penny Lane and go to Morrocco and be excited and not take things so seriously. But I guess the complete emotional rollercoaster is a part of me and I just have to accept. Accept. Accept.  Accept as much as you can, my darling.

I read the post. It's interesting that you know I read yours though. You know I have very limited access to the internet so it actually does say something about how I care about you. So if you read mine, I'm sorry that I can't communicate all of this to you in person. I feel like a coward in a way. But I think it's good in a way that we both write. Everything thought out or felt while we actually talk is immediate and it's difficult to think everything through. So that's why writing is so helpful I guess. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable about this is that I feel like Kristina and/or Ely is behind you reading this is as well or it's like you would show them this anyways. So therefore it's not really personal. When I'm talking to you, it's specifically to you, especially being that I think that you know me best. I doubt they understand me as I don't really understand their lives or what goes on with them personally.

With space... I've had this problem with others before. They'll do something that wouldn't logically illicit attention back to them, but then they're kind of sad that they didn't get attention from shutting those people out. It's like that one time with Gesenia... You shut her out, and she wasn't nice to you. And then you we're saying how hurt you felt. It wasn't fair to her. Hell I did that all the time, but I'm trying to grow out of it. And with the comparing yourself to me, with the whiteness and musicalness and shit. I compare myself to you too, even though I shouldn't. We are different from each other and that's totally okay. None of us is better than the other, we're just different. Shit, music is all I have. Right now I don't have a path to a future. I guess a top notch college isn't what is right for me. It makes me sad but then I realize it's done, I got rejected from a dream, and now if it's really what I want I have to find some other way to get there, or to some sort of happiness.) You do. You got it made in many ways.

I feel like all I hear is that we shouldn't be close, and ironically from people who havn't even known me for a substantial amount of time. I get they say you're affected by me but that makes me feel terrible. Like how shitty of a person am I if I make someone feel less of the person they are. Everyone close to you knows the situation better than me, I guess. Even teachers, that hurts though.

In my opinion, you do need space to figure yourself out. You can't figure out things and answer all these questions, or have people carry you along picking you up everytime you fall. There is a period of time where that's appropriate. But they're not always going to be there. You start growing when you can pick yourself up, and you've GOT to try. when you tell yourself "Hey, Good job" or "I am beautiful". Because I know, and from personal experience, I don't believe others when they compliment me, even if it's from people that I really respect. You have to realize the beauty in yourself.
Also during all this really heavy stuff going on inside you, this ominous stuff, I have it too and I'm trying my best to figure things out. I feel like both of us have to maintain ourselves before we can really make a positive difference in other people's lives. I'm sure my shit is draining to you and vice versa. There's just sooo much in the amalgamate of yours and mine and all the people we love's problems. I felt everything so heavy man, and doubted so much. and I didn't treat you right. I was wrongly mad at you on the inside because it was just too fucking much, more than I had the power to deal with. And it made me feel like a was worse of a person because I couldn't fix everything. I guess I am in some ways.
I don't even know what life or anything is right now. I'm really god damn lonely, sometimes I spend whole days not talking to anyone or anything, I just stay in my bed and sleep and listen to music. I guess that's kind of my fault. But My best friend is thousands of miles away and that's hard. I just have to get over that, and make each day matter now, no matter how sorry I feel for myself. I really feel like I have nothing figured out a lot of the time. Everything is just confusing and conflicting.

But You do have so much ahead of you man, so many opportunities and wonderful places and wonderful people. Hell we both have that even now kind of. We just need to realize it, to embrace it. I don't know where we stand, I just hope it's not in a bad place.

I never really noticed how fast I think, or people think. It's so hard to translate my thoughts into words, whether its orally or written. And feelings too, they hit you in a millioneth of a second. But I believe that's good; therefore you can feel so much. Even if it's hurt or pain or jealousy or sadness. They aren't sins, they're simply a part of nature. They are part of the human condition, the spark, our consciousness of ourselves. Isn't it nuts that our bodies, from head to toe, are just the mere thought of it itself.

I've been reading a lot lately. It's so odd that this thing has hit this year. I was always bored if I had to read or write, but now it's all so electric.