My mom asked me if I was trying to be goth today because of my new hair lol mommmmmerrrrsssss
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Peace, guys
I'm supposed to be getting shit done... I'm not. Oh, well! It gives me an excuse to come back here and get excited for the fall. I know Harold wasn't my plan or exactly what I want, but I know it will help me reach somewhere I'll happy. I like Ely's idea of community college in NorCal by Berkeley. I really hope she pursues it, and I'll do what I can to help her get there. She deserves to be happy. :)
I want to experience LSD again. I feel like the first time gets you used to it. It wasn't a bad trip at all. It was just really intense and kind of scary how it made me go down deep into myself in a completely honest way. You don't hold anything back when you're thinking or talking. There aren't any filters. I want to see how much I can find out about myself. I'm not letting myself do it more than five times in my lifetime though. I know if it's done in excess, it can fuck me up.
I'm going to stay sober from weed for a while. It doesn't do what it used to, and I hate that I need more and more to feel high. Ganja's cool and all but it can totally withdraw you from yourself, which is a necessary experience, but I feel like it's just a way for me to hide from myself. Molly and Lucy let you stay yourself, they just heighten your most important and truest senses.
I miss my sister. She's seeing Fleetwood Mac in June buttttt AAHFUIDHUFKSDF Bob Dylan's coming to the TOWN OF CHI AND TICKETS ARE ONLY EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS. nummy :}
I have a job interview in Wicker and I feel prepared :D. Wish me luckk :) Afterwards is time with Ely at Metamorphosis and Vintage Underground
peace, guys
I want to experience LSD again. I feel like the first time gets you used to it. It wasn't a bad trip at all. It was just really intense and kind of scary how it made me go down deep into myself in a completely honest way. You don't hold anything back when you're thinking or talking. There aren't any filters. I want to see how much I can find out about myself. I'm not letting myself do it more than five times in my lifetime though. I know if it's done in excess, it can fuck me up.
I'm going to stay sober from weed for a while. It doesn't do what it used to, and I hate that I need more and more to feel high. Ganja's cool and all but it can totally withdraw you from yourself, which is a necessary experience, but I feel like it's just a way for me to hide from myself. Molly and Lucy let you stay yourself, they just heighten your most important and truest senses.
I miss my sister. She's seeing Fleetwood Mac in June buttttt AAHFUIDHUFKSDF Bob Dylan's coming to the TOWN OF CHI AND TICKETS ARE ONLY EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS. nummy :}
I have a job interview in Wicker and I feel prepared :D. Wish me luckk :) Afterwards is time with Ely at Metamorphosis and Vintage Underground
peace, guys
Friday, April 19, 2013
You warm my heart, Ely. I can't wait till I see you next. Saturday and then Monday night sleepover at mi casa. I love that you've taken a genuine interest in Elliott. I'm going to start listening harder to The Smiths and Mr. Morrissey.
Right now, I don't know how to guage anything. What love is, what courage is, what makes me happy. Rychlewski read a list of questions that popped into his fine mind when he read Catcher in the Rye. I feel like I could apply them to my life, but they'd be hard to answer.
"An inability to face the realities of life will lead to a yearning for the unreal and the impossible and to actions that are anti-social and self-destructive."
I feel like I'm willing to face reality, but my problem is that I don't even know what reality is. I'm thinking of sobering up - completely. Just to see how things change and to see how that affects my mindset. Drugs are so awesome though. I don't know what to think of them. I don't want it to be so that life revolves around them. Then again, I don't even know what my life revolves around right now. I feel so selfish, but I don't know why. I do know that I have a home, my room. But it's only a home when my mom is in my room. I think that's what a home is. It's not a physical, concrete place. It can change. All you need for it to be constituted is to have love in it.
I just want to be full of love, and I don't want to be so judgemental. Love is the only element that when it consumes you fully, it's okay. Everything else needs to be balanced. EVerything could almost be balanced to make love. Like love is the circle and yin and yang make it up.
I really hate how I weigh so much on my appearance. Our bodies are so little of who we are. When my dog died and I just felt his body there, there was nothing there. It's so sad and nice at the same time. Why I do rely on my body to make me feel good about myself. I really shouldn't. Next week, I'll go all natural. Tangible things are nothing when you think about it in a way. It's the work that goes into making them, and the abstract reasons they come to you. The people they come from. That's what make them important. I'm not going to buy outsourced clothes anymore, anything made in China or India, Malaysia, etc.
Right now, I don't know how to guage anything. What love is, what courage is, what makes me happy. Rychlewski read a list of questions that popped into his fine mind when he read Catcher in the Rye. I feel like I could apply them to my life, but they'd be hard to answer.
"An inability to face the realities of life will lead to a yearning for the unreal and the impossible and to actions that are anti-social and self-destructive."
I feel like I'm willing to face reality, but my problem is that I don't even know what reality is. I'm thinking of sobering up - completely. Just to see how things change and to see how that affects my mindset. Drugs are so awesome though. I don't know what to think of them. I don't want it to be so that life revolves around them. Then again, I don't even know what my life revolves around right now. I feel so selfish, but I don't know why. I do know that I have a home, my room. But it's only a home when my mom is in my room. I think that's what a home is. It's not a physical, concrete place. It can change. All you need for it to be constituted is to have love in it.
I just want to be full of love, and I don't want to be so judgemental. Love is the only element that when it consumes you fully, it's okay. Everything else needs to be balanced. EVerything could almost be balanced to make love. Like love is the circle and yin and yang make it up.
I really hate how I weigh so much on my appearance. Our bodies are so little of who we are. When my dog died and I just felt his body there, there was nothing there. It's so sad and nice at the same time. Why I do rely on my body to make me feel good about myself. I really shouldn't. Next week, I'll go all natural. Tangible things are nothing when you think about it in a way. It's the work that goes into making them, and the abstract reasons they come to you. The people they come from. That's what make them important. I'm not going to buy outsourced clothes anymore, anything made in China or India, Malaysia, etc.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Some Bukowski
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Sherlock Holmes
I am still so hurt. I want to be over all of this, hopefully writing this and getting it out will help.
Having so much love I gave to not be enough and to have it thrown back in my face. Anytime, I thought you were sad at school, I'd pull you to the side so you could vent, or cry, or do whatever you needed to do. I look back on all your posts saying you were so happy. I know I need space to figure my shit out, by myself. That helps me, I've been trying to learn to be able to take care of myself and not be so dependent on others for my selfworth. But I did truly think that I made you happy. But recently, you said all I did was do the opposite. So were they all lies? To have given you a handmade clock that I brought back from India and a pen and ink drawing I spent 2 weeks on, just to have you throw it away. I don't give a fuck about a god damn dvd. It's expendable. It's something you order on fucking Amazon. I thought I was a source of love in your life. That sentiment made feel happy. Like we were helping eachother. Like I was making a positive difference in your life. I feel like fucking shit to have been thinking I was and then I hear I accomplished only the exact opposite.
It only makes me realize how expendable I am.
Having so much love I gave to not be enough and to have it thrown back in my face. Anytime, I thought you were sad at school, I'd pull you to the side so you could vent, or cry, or do whatever you needed to do. I look back on all your posts saying you were so happy. I know I need space to figure my shit out, by myself. That helps me, I've been trying to learn to be able to take care of myself and not be so dependent on others for my selfworth. But I did truly think that I made you happy. But recently, you said all I did was do the opposite. So were they all lies? To have given you a handmade clock that I brought back from India and a pen and ink drawing I spent 2 weeks on, just to have you throw it away. I don't give a fuck about a god damn dvd. It's expendable. It's something you order on fucking Amazon. I thought I was a source of love in your life. That sentiment made feel happy. Like we were helping eachother. Like I was making a positive difference in your life. I feel like fucking shit to have been thinking I was and then I hear I accomplished only the exact opposite.
It only makes me realize how expendable I am.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
more plANS
I'm really into the idea of being a paramedic. As a career.
As well as touring in the PeaceCorps.
There's this organiation called NOLA, that does outdoor trips where you camp, canoe, kayak, and rock climb. So I am thinking about that too.
As well as touring in the PeaceCorps.
There's this organiation called NOLA, that does outdoor trips where you camp, canoe, kayak, and rock climb. So I am thinking about that too.
Every living being is a dancer
I feel really sad for people with so much hate in them. And I don't mean it in a condescending or patronizing way. I sincerely mean it. I wish they could embrace beauty and love and accept that life can be shitty. While life is beautiful, it is ugly and you can't change that. It is a constant factor.
I hope people realize that whenever I put on music, I pick the artist or album very deliberately, like playing that music is a way of saying something or putting a certain type of ambience in the air. I know Tim and Ely do, and I appreciate that so much. But weirdly enough my mom doesn't. She used to play all this music for me when I was a wee one, that inspired my infatuous love for music, but I feel bad I can't do the same for her. It's all about a particular vibe that you pick up from people when you're listening to something together. Whether stay quiet, or comment on it or just ignore it all together.
My evening with Alex was nice. He told me he kind of goes "mooshy" when he's around me so that's probably why he's always talking lol. I want to enjoy a bit of silence with him though and I want to see how it feels. I feel like you can tell a lot about your connection with anyone by a nice silence. Even strangers. It's odd, I'm attracted to him, physically. But the more I think about him the more I like him in more than a friend way. I didn't really think I would. I didn't think our personalities were compatable. I guess I'm doing what Iryne taught me. I see his flaws but I'm learning to like them or get used to them. (Even though he doesn't have many.) (I think the preponderance of awkwardness when we're around each other is based on his nervousness.)
I still think about Manny though. Time will erase those feelings though I guess.
Ely,
your acid comment lol, I feel it too lol, I get really nervous around you and I don't know why and I probably cause some awkwardness or a lack of comfortablenessss . I forget myself, not in a bad way, just in a weird way. I love when we were so stoned and laughing, I love hanging out with love
Both Aquarius and Libra are concerned with the betterment of the world and their fellow people. Aquarius is the most progressive thinker of the Zodiac, and they always have a new idea in the works. Libra is the diplomat of the Zodiac; abhorring conflict of any sort, they are born balancers (hence their Symbol, the Scales). Libra’s urge to avoid conflict put together with a love of intellectual freedom can lead them to be somewhat indecisive at times; when this happens, more decisive Aquarius can step in and help Libra figure out which direction to turn. Libra can return the favor by smoothing Aquarius’s occasionally ruffled feathers that result from the Water Bearer’s idealistic thinking sometimes crashing down in the face of reality.
Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Uranus (Rebellion) and Saturn (Karma). This combination of influences can be an interesting and productive one; Libra and Aquarius should certainly take on other projects together than simply their love relationship, because they can make great things happen using their hearts, their urge for progress and their consciousness of the greater good. These two are an extraordinary duo for standing up for social justice or radical change in the community.
Both Libra and Aquarius are Air Signs. They have strong intellectual bonds to one another and constantly stimulate one another’s ideas and communication styles and skills. Again, their ability to work together makes it obvious that these two Signs must take on larger projects in their life together — they should concern themselves with the greater good. Libra can bring a certain balance to any undertaking that almost no other Sign is able to achieve. Aquarius and Libra together will also have many stimulating intellectual discussions about their interests and pursuits.
Libra is a Cardinal Sign and Aquarius is a Fixed Sign. Libra sets things into motion but may have trouble finishing them, which is what makes Aquarius’s determined influence so positive: The Water Bearer has a great deal of follow-through and can take Libra’s ideas and run with them to the end. These two work especially well together as they tend not to argue about who does what, who takes credit and who works behind the scenes versus out in the spotlight.
What’s the best aspect of the Libra-Aquarius relationship? Their ability to work together as a team. Together they can learn much more than either Sign would alone. Their accomplishments and love of socializing and new projects make theirs a highly successful relationship."
I feel like my relationship will get stronger with him, it's not all crazy and overwhelming for me right now but I reall think it could get to that point.
I hope people realize that whenever I put on music, I pick the artist or album very deliberately, like playing that music is a way of saying something or putting a certain type of ambience in the air. I know Tim and Ely do, and I appreciate that so much. But weirdly enough my mom doesn't. She used to play all this music for me when I was a wee one, that inspired my infatuous love for music, but I feel bad I can't do the same for her. It's all about a particular vibe that you pick up from people when you're listening to something together. Whether stay quiet, or comment on it or just ignore it all together.
My evening with Alex was nice. He told me he kind of goes "mooshy" when he's around me so that's probably why he's always talking lol. I want to enjoy a bit of silence with him though and I want to see how it feels. I feel like you can tell a lot about your connection with anyone by a nice silence. Even strangers. It's odd, I'm attracted to him, physically. But the more I think about him the more I like him in more than a friend way. I didn't really think I would. I didn't think our personalities were compatable. I guess I'm doing what Iryne taught me. I see his flaws but I'm learning to like them or get used to them. (Even though he doesn't have many.) (I think the preponderance of awkwardness when we're around each other is based on his nervousness.)
I still think about Manny though. Time will erase those feelings though I guess.
Ely,
your acid comment lol, I feel it too lol, I get really nervous around you and I don't know why and I probably cause some awkwardness or a lack of comfortablenessss . I forget myself, not in a bad way, just in a weird way. I love when we were so stoned and laughing, I love hanging out with love
"Aquarius and Libra
When Libra and Aquarius join in a love match, their relationship can serve to heighten and strengthen both Signs’ consciousness. These two connect on a high mental level; they share a love of art, people and culture; they both abhor restrictive influences in their lives. They are likely to get along well because they have such similar needs and will not require more of one another than they’re both willing to give. Both Signs are also very energetic, enthusiastic types; this relationship is not likely to become stagnant.Both Aquarius and Libra are concerned with the betterment of the world and their fellow people. Aquarius is the most progressive thinker of the Zodiac, and they always have a new idea in the works. Libra is the diplomat of the Zodiac; abhorring conflict of any sort, they are born balancers (hence their Symbol, the Scales). Libra’s urge to avoid conflict put together with a love of intellectual freedom can lead them to be somewhat indecisive at times; when this happens, more decisive Aquarius can step in and help Libra figure out which direction to turn. Libra can return the favor by smoothing Aquarius’s occasionally ruffled feathers that result from the Water Bearer’s idealistic thinking sometimes crashing down in the face of reality.
Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Uranus (Rebellion) and Saturn (Karma). This combination of influences can be an interesting and productive one; Libra and Aquarius should certainly take on other projects together than simply their love relationship, because they can make great things happen using their hearts, their urge for progress and their consciousness of the greater good. These two are an extraordinary duo for standing up for social justice or radical change in the community.
Both Libra and Aquarius are Air Signs. They have strong intellectual bonds to one another and constantly stimulate one another’s ideas and communication styles and skills. Again, their ability to work together makes it obvious that these two Signs must take on larger projects in their life together — they should concern themselves with the greater good. Libra can bring a certain balance to any undertaking that almost no other Sign is able to achieve. Aquarius and Libra together will also have many stimulating intellectual discussions about their interests and pursuits.
Libra is a Cardinal Sign and Aquarius is a Fixed Sign. Libra sets things into motion but may have trouble finishing them, which is what makes Aquarius’s determined influence so positive: The Water Bearer has a great deal of follow-through and can take Libra’s ideas and run with them to the end. These two work especially well together as they tend not to argue about who does what, who takes credit and who works behind the scenes versus out in the spotlight.
What’s the best aspect of the Libra-Aquarius relationship? Their ability to work together as a team. Together they can learn much more than either Sign would alone. Their accomplishments and love of socializing and new projects make theirs a highly successful relationship."
I feel like my relationship will get stronger with him, it's not all crazy and overwhelming for me right now but I reall think it could get to that point.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Some Mastocistic shit.
DESPIT OF MY RAGE, I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE.
I have had so much anger deep down lately. I just break down sometimes when I'm alone, but just for a minute or two. It kind of feels good afterwards, kind of. Loneliness, having no one to talk to, not anyone in any immediacy. Iryne doesn't respond to me most of the time, but I understand, she has a whole. Brandi does as well. I can't contact Ely or Tim. And Yerika doesn't want to be there anymore.
I feel so hurt all the time. I feel like screaming at people. And I don't do that. I just kind of keep things hidden away. I need an outlet. I haven't been skating lately because my ankles feel sort of fucked up.
I have a date with Alex to watch a bunch of movies today. I know he likes me but I really don't feel like he understands me or really wants to. He talks about himself a lot and I like listening but whenever I provide something construed as more than simple commentary, he just keeps talking. Maybe it's because he's nervous, I don't know. I'll see how things go tonight. I guess he's just young. It's not like hanging out with Tim or Andrew. I shouldn't compare people though.
I try to read to expand the reigns of my intellect. It doesn't work. I only understand things if Rychlewski explains them. I feel really stupid. Like I claim to be smarter than I actually truly am. Reality check, I'm not that intelligent. What the fuck am I gonna do. Fucking screwup. In a constant battle between dragging myself down and lifting myself up. I am an asshole. ANd I'm just being straight, I'm not begging for compliments or secretly wanting someone to tell me I'm not one. I just am
I have had so much anger deep down lately. I just break down sometimes when I'm alone, but just for a minute or two. It kind of feels good afterwards, kind of. Loneliness, having no one to talk to, not anyone in any immediacy. Iryne doesn't respond to me most of the time, but I understand, she has a whole. Brandi does as well. I can't contact Ely or Tim. And Yerika doesn't want to be there anymore.
I feel so hurt all the time. I feel like screaming at people. And I don't do that. I just kind of keep things hidden away. I need an outlet. I haven't been skating lately because my ankles feel sort of fucked up.
I have a date with Alex to watch a bunch of movies today. I know he likes me but I really don't feel like he understands me or really wants to. He talks about himself a lot and I like listening but whenever I provide something construed as more than simple commentary, he just keeps talking. Maybe it's because he's nervous, I don't know. I'll see how things go tonight. I guess he's just young. It's not like hanging out with Tim or Andrew. I shouldn't compare people though.
I try to read to expand the reigns of my intellect. It doesn't work. I only understand things if Rychlewski explains them. I feel really stupid. Like I claim to be smarter than I actually truly am. Reality check, I'm not that intelligent. What the fuck am I gonna do. Fucking screwup. In a constant battle between dragging myself down and lifting myself up. I am an asshole. ANd I'm just being straight, I'm not begging for compliments or secretly wanting someone to tell me I'm not one. I just am
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Cheese, Wine, and Water Bottle Bongs
Some places just have a certain feel. Like when I lived in California last year, or Crystal Lake Central or Prairie Ridge. Or even here. They were different phases. I just remember being a certain way in each of the places I've been to or lived in. I miss California weather. I miss how the stripes of light made by the blinds of my windows warmed my room, even though it was all dark and grey. And how anytime Dad and Monica would fight or scream or yell, I would take my little brother in my room and listen to music or take pictures. And then he'd say my music was weird. But he would say it in a tiny, cute voice so it was okay. I miss all the sawdust in the garage from daddy's woodshop projects. And how he was so proud of me when I would talk about turning pens or making wood joints (not the marijuana kind lol). Some places just have a different atmosphere or theme. And the feel of Iryne's room, and cuddling with her and making pipes or looking up chakra and palm reading stuff. She had the most kind demeanor of anyone I'll ever know. I remember when we first hung out, it was really awkward. She told me later that that was because she was looking for flaws in me. She always said she tried to find people's flaws first so she could accept them and learn to love them. I always keep the letter that she sent me with me, along with the little pressed flower she sent with it. I miss her very very much.
When I was hanging out with Eddy yesterday, he asked me something very interesting. He inquired if I had ever felt that I'd lost myself, like characteristics or how I walk or talk to execute the smallest of things. I told him that it happens to me a lot. He replied that it happens to him a lot as well. Then I said that all we can do is recover to find ourselves, to do things that turn you on, or stimulate you. After we chilled, I went to the Old Town School of Folk Music and bought a tambourine. Then I went to a French restaurant and conversed in French with my waitress and ate incredible food full of cheesey goodness. I can't wait until I live in Paris. I can't wait.
Something strange occurred when I was at a cafe with Eddy though. "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Bob Dylan played around me, and I thought about people, about Manny, and it was similar to when I was listening to Imagine on the bus. This overwhelming feeling washed through me and I started to tear up. It just made sense. Life, breathing, waking up, walking, talking... it all had a sufficient purpose, like realizing that the mere fact I was alive was such an amazing blessing. Life just made sense for a few moments.
When I was hanging out with Eddy yesterday, he asked me something very interesting. He inquired if I had ever felt that I'd lost myself, like characteristics or how I walk or talk to execute the smallest of things. I told him that it happens to me a lot. He replied that it happens to him a lot as well. Then I said that all we can do is recover to find ourselves, to do things that turn you on, or stimulate you. After we chilled, I went to the Old Town School of Folk Music and bought a tambourine. Then I went to a French restaurant and conversed in French with my waitress and ate incredible food full of cheesey goodness. I can't wait until I live in Paris. I can't wait.
Something strange occurred when I was at a cafe with Eddy though. "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Bob Dylan played around me, and I thought about people, about Manny, and it was similar to when I was listening to Imagine on the bus. This overwhelming feeling washed through me and I started to tear up. It just made sense. Life, breathing, waking up, walking, talking... it all had a sufficient purpose, like realizing that the mere fact I was alive was such an amazing blessing. Life just made sense for a few moments.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Rychlewski said something very interesting today. He said that there are two kinds of people in this world... people who let things go and people who don't. Many people cling to the past as an excuse for their future, and even their present. I'm not going to be that person any more.
I'm very stationary right now; my mind is. I'm really mad at myself for not making it into Puget Sound in Washington. But alas, there isn't anything I can do about that now. Just have to accept it.
I'm really happy for Yerika with her whole Pomona thing. I would say she is lucky, but I also know that her whole thing had to do with hard work more than it had to do with luck.
So I guess I'll use my failure as motivation.
I'm going to start volunteering soon. (yayaa) My friend, Alex has a hook up and we might start volunteering together. I'm happy about that. Alex is a cool dude. I went to the military ball with him last Friday night. He completely opened up to me; I like that I make people feel comfortable. It makes me feel like I have some purpose. After he (somewhat futilly) tried to teach me how to dance, Andrew drove us around. We went on the highway and went 130 mph and blasted music. It was kindof nice. Andrew is definately one of my homess. He comes over a lot and we'll just drink a beer and talk about shit on my roof late at night. We get each other. I want to go visit him in South Carolina, when he leaves.
I had a burger for lunch today. I really felt bad about it. I don't want to eat meat anymore. I don't feel like my boycotting the meat industry will make change. It's just a personal thing. It had a heart and beautiful, big, brown eyes. It lay in a swamp of minour its whole life. Something so beautiful in such an ugly situation. Ely and I went to Petsmart yesterday (and quite randomly so lol). We wanted to take home every living creature we saw. I like that about her. Everything, the smallest things are so beautiful. It made me realize how lucky I am to have pets, pets who give me so much love. My baby Ell-namomo <3. I want to give back to them what they give to me. It makes me miss my wonderful babydoggg, Neville. Animals have a unique naivite that make them so full of perspective.
It feels strange to finally believe people, with compliments in reference to me. I always believed the negative stuff first and I would churn it over and over again in my mind. I should always remember negative things I need to work on, but it shouldn't consume me, like it has before. It feels nice to finally believe the good stuff though.
I'm going job hunting today with my friend , Eddy. He said he wanted to talk about stuff too. Ely is supposed to come though too(call me lady!!!)
I'm very stationary right now; my mind is. I'm really mad at myself for not making it into Puget Sound in Washington. But alas, there isn't anything I can do about that now. Just have to accept it.
I'm really happy for Yerika with her whole Pomona thing. I would say she is lucky, but I also know that her whole thing had to do with hard work more than it had to do with luck.
So I guess I'll use my failure as motivation.
I'm going to start volunteering soon. (yayaa) My friend, Alex has a hook up and we might start volunteering together. I'm happy about that. Alex is a cool dude. I went to the military ball with him last Friday night. He completely opened up to me; I like that I make people feel comfortable. It makes me feel like I have some purpose. After he (somewhat futilly) tried to teach me how to dance, Andrew drove us around. We went on the highway and went 130 mph and blasted music. It was kindof nice. Andrew is definately one of my homess. He comes over a lot and we'll just drink a beer and talk about shit on my roof late at night. We get each other. I want to go visit him in South Carolina, when he leaves.
I had a burger for lunch today. I really felt bad about it. I don't want to eat meat anymore. I don't feel like my boycotting the meat industry will make change. It's just a personal thing. It had a heart and beautiful, big, brown eyes. It lay in a swamp of minour its whole life. Something so beautiful in such an ugly situation. Ely and I went to Petsmart yesterday (and quite randomly so lol). We wanted to take home every living creature we saw. I like that about her. Everything, the smallest things are so beautiful. It made me realize how lucky I am to have pets, pets who give me so much love. My baby Ell-namomo <3. I want to give back to them what they give to me. It makes me miss my wonderful babydoggg, Neville. Animals have a unique naivite that make them so full of perspective.
It feels strange to finally believe people, with compliments in reference to me. I always believed the negative stuff first and I would churn it over and over again in my mind. I should always remember negative things I need to work on, but it shouldn't consume me, like it has before. It feels nice to finally believe the good stuff though.
I'm going job hunting today with my friend , Eddy. He said he wanted to talk about stuff too. Ely is supposed to come though too(call me lady!!!)
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I feel like anything said or explained to you would be in vain. We disagree on this whole situation and BOTH of us are honestly just being defensive. We've hurt each other, and I kind of feel like anytime we argue it's just to make the other person feel the way you/I do. I'm sure I don't understand how you're feeling and I'm sure you don't understand how I am feeling. And that's fine. I'm willing to meet in the middle, but I know you're not. You're going to stick to what other people are saying, people you trust, so I understand that.
I don't believe in cutting anyone off, in having so much malice for someone who's never inflicted atrocities on you. So I'm still open to you, if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. I'm guessing you won't take that offer, but I really feel this is the right thing to do, the right thing to say. So farewell, I guess.
I don't believe in cutting anyone off, in having so much malice for someone who's never inflicted atrocities on you. So I'm still open to you, if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. I'm guessing you won't take that offer, but I really feel this is the right thing to do, the right thing to say. So farewell, I guess.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Prom. is. for. squares.
I'd much rather be in Manchester, Tennessee seeing
Paul McCartney, The National, The Tallest Man on Earth, Tom Petty, The XX, Grizzly Bear, Beach House, Cat Power, GLEN HANSARD, Macklemore, Portugal. The Man (FINALLY), Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Tame Impala, Local Natives, Wild Nothing, Calexico, Lord Huron, Futurebirds, Sea Wolf....
NEED I GO ON?? :)
Monayysss:: Tickets: A little less than $300
Greyhound bus there and back: $350
Prostitute cheap level motel: tba
annddd spending monayyyssss
I'd much rather be in Manchester, Tennessee seeing
Paul McCartney, The National, The Tallest Man on Earth, Tom Petty, The XX, Grizzly Bear, Beach House, Cat Power, GLEN HANSARD, Macklemore, Portugal. The Man (FINALLY), Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Tame Impala, Local Natives, Wild Nothing, Calexico, Lord Huron, Futurebirds, Sea Wolf....
NEED I GO ON?? :)
Monayysss:: Tickets: A little less than $300
Greyhound bus there and back: $350
Prostitute cheap level motel: tba
annddd spending monayyyssss
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Very conflicting.
I read it.
I don't think you're set. Nobody is set. However, not everybody has a chance like you do. Hardly so.
Similar to what Ely said. You don't really fully understand anything between me and Manny. You have an outside perspective, which is helpful, but not the whole deal, you know? And he wasn't honest. The more I think about, the more I realize all those fucking lies that I turned my eyes away from. Being inlove is like nothing else. It is love but it's not. It's not loving a best friend or your parents. It's unhealthy and all-consuming in the best and worst ways. Don't feel like you have to have the final right say about it. Just like I don't understand certain things you've gone through; you don't with me.
And babe, I have had SIX FUCKING THERAPISTS. Maybe it's that I haven't met the right one, but it hasn't affected me in the wat that it's supposed to. I don't think it's my personal way of getting help. And that is okay. I'll find a different way.
I really don't think you let me in too quickly. It's just balance, man. (that libra shit lolol). We have different perceptions of what it is to be a good friend. You painted me as this misery chick, kind of imparting herself on others in negative ways. Honestly I have never met anyone who's said that. Even though I wasn't perfect, I wasn't terrible either. I really tried to comfort you with love, but the truth (to me) as well. I'm not going to baby you.
I'll post more or edit this later.
I read it.
I don't think you're set. Nobody is set. However, not everybody has a chance like you do. Hardly so.
Similar to what Ely said. You don't really fully understand anything between me and Manny. You have an outside perspective, which is helpful, but not the whole deal, you know? And he wasn't honest. The more I think about, the more I realize all those fucking lies that I turned my eyes away from. Being inlove is like nothing else. It is love but it's not. It's not loving a best friend or your parents. It's unhealthy and all-consuming in the best and worst ways. Don't feel like you have to have the final right say about it. Just like I don't understand certain things you've gone through; you don't with me.
And babe, I have had SIX FUCKING THERAPISTS. Maybe it's that I haven't met the right one, but it hasn't affected me in the wat that it's supposed to. I don't think it's my personal way of getting help. And that is okay. I'll find a different way.
I really don't think you let me in too quickly. It's just balance, man. (that libra shit lolol). We have different perceptions of what it is to be a good friend. You painted me as this misery chick, kind of imparting herself on others in negative ways. Honestly I have never met anyone who's said that. Even though I wasn't perfect, I wasn't terrible either. I really tried to comfort you with love, but the truth (to me) as well. I'm not going to baby you.
I'll post more or edit this later.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
THE PLAN.
Motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! teehee
Here are the colleges I am going to apply to transfer to out of Harold.
Sarah Lawrence (New York)
Oberlin (Ohio)
Bard (New York)
Lewis & Clark (Oregon)
Hampshire (Massachusetts)
Beloit (Wisconsin)
[things I'm going to do to help me get there, to gain clarity and a better sense of what living is]
Go full time to Harold Washington (FREE UPASS WOOOOTT) for two years,
Do Gen Ed. and if possible get an AA degree in English, Social Studies, or somthing Internaitonal
Electric cello -- I'm going to start taking private lessons again. I'll play rock (Hendrix, beatles, pink floyd, whatever my heart desires) as well as classical
Volunteer -- (Ely, tell me the places your therapist talked to you about :)), I'm also going to look into animal and homeless shelters)
Hooping -- My goal is to fire hoop by next year RIGHT NOW. lol even though I look completely ungraceful and I suck at maneuvring it now
Alliance de Francais -- Join it again and graduate from the advanced French classes. I'll go to the Institutode cervante if I finish that up before 2 years
Volunteer SOME MORE
Motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! teehee
Here are the colleges I am going to apply to transfer to out of Harold.
Sarah Lawrence (New York)
Oberlin (Ohio)
Bard (New York)
Lewis & Clark (Oregon)
Hampshire (Massachusetts)
Beloit (Wisconsin)
[things I'm going to do to help me get there, to gain clarity and a better sense of what living is]
Go full time to Harold Washington (FREE UPASS WOOOOTT) for two years,
Do Gen Ed. and if possible get an AA degree in English, Social Studies, or somthing Internaitonal
Electric cello -- I'm going to start taking private lessons again. I'll play rock (Hendrix, beatles, pink floyd, whatever my heart desires) as well as classical
Volunteer -- (Ely, tell me the places your therapist talked to you about :)), I'm also going to look into animal and homeless shelters)
Hooping -- My goal is to fire hoop by next year RIGHT NOW. lol even though I look completely ungraceful and I suck at maneuvring it now
Alliance de Francais -- Join it again and graduate from the advanced French classes. I'll go to the Institutode cervante if I finish that up before 2 years
Volunteer SOME MORE
That isn't her.
She doesn't "just float from people to people getting what [she] needs. I have met many people and if anything she just enjoys people. She connects with them.
I don't think that the idea of a friendship or any relationship should be all the time and overwhelming. That's not balance. That's not healthy. It's give and take and knowing when to swoop in and butt out. My mother is probably the person I love most in the world and God knows we would kill eachother if we were around eachother like that. She doesn't get a dose and go off. Having true friends isn't about having them to make you feel better about yourself. It's not needing people like that, for personal gain.
She doesn't "just float from people to people getting what [she] needs. I have met many people and if anything she just enjoys people. She connects with them.
I don't think that the idea of a friendship or any relationship should be all the time and overwhelming. That's not balance. That's not healthy. It's give and take and knowing when to swoop in and butt out. My mother is probably the person I love most in the world and God knows we would kill eachother if we were around eachother like that. She doesn't get a dose and go off. Having true friends isn't about having them to make you feel better about yourself. It's not needing people like that, for personal gain.
Well shit.
I wrote this letter during 3rd period before I saw the comments on those posts. I apologize if this makes things more complicated. I feel like I understand the situation better now kind of but I'd still like you to see this letter...
"You don't give up on people you love. But I guess that's what both of us did.
Though I still maintain a sense of insecurity, that sense used to be substantially larger than it is now. I used to surround myself with people, with anyone because I thought that if I had people around me, it meant I was "accepted". I was confirming my worth in a synthetic way. And to keep those people, I allowed them to step all over me. Many people I know now are not aware of what I was, how I carried myself. We all go through phases in life, not that they are the same. But that each of us are so many different kinds of people within our own one life.
I've been feeling comfortable in my own skin and not so ashamed of myself. So when someone says that all I did was make them feel miserable, that my complete selfishness was so apparent and prevalent, that I was just a drain. It made me doubt everything about myself. I quit my job, I almost cut my hair off to try to make a change until I finally realized that no impulse of change controlled by me was going to help the situation. Doing that wasn't really going to change me.
So tell me what I did... You say that all I did was take, take, take because you werent willing to take. But How? There are all these claims and I believe them; you're a smart person and you possess a big heart. So for you to say all those things, it must mean something true, something valid. How did I put you down. Tell me so I can change for the better, so I don't screw anyone else over. Tell me so I feel like I can be close to someone without hurting them.
It also hit me really fucking hard that you said you talked to Manny. All you did was talk shit about him (similarly to Aaron). And going to someone you didn't seem to respect was very indicative of your lack of respect for me. Even teachers, people I really look up to.
I understand that you want nothing to do with me. I know you and Ely care about eachother very much. To me, you seem to create a balance, a compatability. I'll stay away from you two if both of you think that would be right. I don't want to, but then again you made it seem that not only was I affecting you negatively, but your relationships with others as well. Ely is a beautiful person and I feel grateful to know her and know that there are people out there like her.
Let me know."
I hope that you see how much I respect you Yerika, and that this letter is a testament to that. I would have made this more direct or made it a comment but it was too long.
After reading all those comments and postings again, I feel like only posting the letter would make things more of a mess. I don't expect you to respond to it, I just wanted you to see how I feel. How willing I am to be better and how sorry I am that just being myself was such detrimental force to you.
I wrote this letter during 3rd period before I saw the comments on those posts. I apologize if this makes things more complicated. I feel like I understand the situation better now kind of but I'd still like you to see this letter...
"You don't give up on people you love. But I guess that's what both of us did.
Though I still maintain a sense of insecurity, that sense used to be substantially larger than it is now. I used to surround myself with people, with anyone because I thought that if I had people around me, it meant I was "accepted". I was confirming my worth in a synthetic way. And to keep those people, I allowed them to step all over me. Many people I know now are not aware of what I was, how I carried myself. We all go through phases in life, not that they are the same. But that each of us are so many different kinds of people within our own one life.
I've been feeling comfortable in my own skin and not so ashamed of myself. So when someone says that all I did was make them feel miserable, that my complete selfishness was so apparent and prevalent, that I was just a drain. It made me doubt everything about myself. I quit my job, I almost cut my hair off to try to make a change until I finally realized that no impulse of change controlled by me was going to help the situation. Doing that wasn't really going to change me.
So tell me what I did... You say that all I did was take, take, take because you werent willing to take. But How? There are all these claims and I believe them; you're a smart person and you possess a big heart. So for you to say all those things, it must mean something true, something valid. How did I put you down. Tell me so I can change for the better, so I don't screw anyone else over. Tell me so I feel like I can be close to someone without hurting them.
It also hit me really fucking hard that you said you talked to Manny. All you did was talk shit about him (similarly to Aaron). And going to someone you didn't seem to respect was very indicative of your lack of respect for me. Even teachers, people I really look up to.
I understand that you want nothing to do with me. I know you and Ely care about eachother very much. To me, you seem to create a balance, a compatability. I'll stay away from you two if both of you think that would be right. I don't want to, but then again you made it seem that not only was I affecting you negatively, but your relationships with others as well. Ely is a beautiful person and I feel grateful to know her and know that there are people out there like her.
Let me know."
I hope that you see how much I respect you Yerika, and that this letter is a testament to that. I would have made this more direct or made it a comment but it was too long.
After reading all those comments and postings again, I feel like only posting the letter would make things more of a mess. I don't expect you to respond to it, I just wanted you to see how I feel. How willing I am to be better and how sorry I am that just being myself was such detrimental force to you.
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