It's been a long while. I'm not connecting with this blog as much as I used to. Now I just think and think and make lists. Silly girl

i met an awesome person yesterday.

so i spot this very attractive guy in my bus in ohama, nebraska, and ask if the seat's taken... he says "no". and then it begins lol. we talk all night, and then --- ---- and then we cuddled together. He's coming up to Portland to visit me in July and I'm seeing him in August.
 I got that hope manneeee :)

It’s discouraging that when I look back on places and people, I remember so little. Now, anytime I see something beautiful (which is quite often) I try my best in hoping that it has been permanently seared in whatever kind if memory bank I have. I hope to remember. I think back to the condominium that I lived in for ten years, and am disheartened to find that I have no recollection of what its outside looked like. I just remember thinking that the swirling shade the trees cast on the front of the house was very pretty.

Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that I lived in such a different way than I do now. All I used to think about were ways I could look good or appeal to others. No lie, I still do a little, I think everyone does to some extent, but for the majority of the time, I’m focused on other things, natural organic things that offer themselves, in small moments, nevertheless potent ones.

Whenever I read a book, I realize the practical impossibility of me actually writing one. Silly. At least for now. My attention span probably has a bit of influence over any diligence I might suggest.

As silly as it seems, I’m really excited for graduation. It’s a year late, I know but finally. I’m listening to The National’s new album. It’s enjoyable. I love the lead singer’s voice. While it may be monotonous to some, I find it different, all low and rusty. Fake Empire off of their album, Boxer, will always be a favorite. I love how simple it is. A lot of people’s singing voice is different from their speaking voice. I feel like both of his are the same. It kind of reminds me of John Lennon’s Imagine not in content, but language. How just the piano and his voice are in such a union. Tim showed me a song by John that I’d never heard before and it was very nice. I’m so caught between John and George. Deep down, John will always belong to my sister. George was (ehem Ely) the soul, but I love how he didn’t need to say it to show it. It didn’t seem to me like he had anything to prove to anyone. He just lived for peace within himself. That’s very beautiful. I use beautiful a lot, lol. It’s because so many things are! Here are some other words I could use…  stunning, striking, lovely, picturesque, spectacular, remarkable, arresting, salient, exquisite, divine, celestial…

Light

The sky

Clouds

Water

Shadows/Shade

These are things, which in any state, equal the likes of all previously mentioned descriptors.

I wonder what moments of insecurity people experience, especially those who seem very confident and secure. I used to watch music videos of pop stars and wished  I could be as “pretty” as they were. I was such a little girl. I still am though in many ways. I feel like all of us have moments when we’re brought to our core, the person we were then. It reminds me of To Be Treated Right by Terry Reid. The times where we pray, even though we may not even believe in god. We’re brought to absolute desperation. It’s quite lovely. When we cry like little babies. When we feel helpless and hopeless. People are so layered and multifaceted. I love how human we all are, no matter if we show otherwise.

I think the best gifts are mix CD’s. It’s honestly the only way I can really read a person and understand how I connect with them. I really adore the CD Tim made for me. It explains perfectly, in plain sight, who he is and how he feels. Music can encode so much. It’s so much better than anything I could say. One day I’ll make it instead of just play it.

I hate how it's so hard for me to sit down and read. It stems from my impatience, I guess. Or maybe I'm just very picky in regards to writing styles. Maybe a little of both.

I've been trying to figure out what I can do on the bus ride to Oregon.. I'll be passing through Nebraska and Colorado, and I hope to meet some cool people on the way there.

I need to go to Target bad. I want to get a new, fresh notebook for my journey. a bunch of new things for it.

I can't wait to dye my hair this week. The blonde needs to be back.

Ramblings

I'm ready to raid the fuck out of Urban, and fucking hard.

I've always said I'd never be one to try coke. And now I find myself doing exactly that. I'd like to try everything, be as stimulated at possible, bur still try everything once.

Eric is very intriguing.

Maybe I'm changing for the worse. I really don't  know. I don't know who to trust, or who I can count on. I just feel like I'm dragging myself around, all sluggish and empty and confused. I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. STOP STOP STOP
I see myself becoming a lot more calm though, more okay staring into empty space, watching how slow the minutes pass.

I miss my weight from a couple years ago. I haven't fallen back into habits but I feel like I'm about to. I should lose weight in a healthy way

I'm looking forward to Oregon and Heather. And the 4th of July. I know I'll miss Andrew greatly though.

you're very frustrating. your way of life now cannot coincide with some of your dreams.

High Hope

Glen Hansard talked so much about hope. But he didn't need to. It was fused into his music and performance. He gave me hope. He made me feel like I didn't need to do drugs to experience something different, that they were okay to take but I really shouldn't base my happiness on them.

I hung out with Pedro, Adam and Gabe yesterday. Good times. Pedro is very special. I saw some of his flaws yesterday, but I didn't put them against him. It made him seem so human. I love that.

I love these two Hunter Thompson books. 

    "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

     "Music has always been a matter of Energy to me, a question of Fuel. Sentimental people call it Inspiration, but what they really mean is Fuel. I have always needed Fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if ou have the right music very loud on the radio."

I can't believe that our society puts money as an equivalent to art. We pay ten bucks for a piece of someone, polished in a nice plastic case. I really want to go to the Burning Man Festival. Everything is traded; there's no exchange of money. And everything is handmade.

Rainy River

There are so many things going on right now.

The more I think about Oregon, the more relieved I am. I'm going to miss Chicago and the people there, but right now I feel like everything I love is seeping out of me..

I went to see Glen Hansard downtown Monday night, and Tim and I ended meeting up and we go fourth row seats. And it was the most amazing concert I HAVE EVER BEEN TO. It was so beautiful, I contracted the biggest, purest, most natural high from Glen. He's a beautiful person. He does so many concerts, but I feel like every one he performs feels new or different. When they played "When Your Mind's Made Up", I started to cry really hard. It felt like something deep-seeded was being extracted from me, similar to the feeling you get when you're talking to a friend about something you hold close. It's painful and constricting, but beautiful in both ways. When he played "Bird Of Sorrow", all I saw was Ely. I wished so hard that she could feel what he was singing and playing.

Words are so over-used sometimes. I think of quotes and cliches that I've always heard, and they resinate. But when I feel like saying or writing them, they seem so obsolete, like they can't carry the meaning I've assigned to them or like they wouldn't understand.

I don't know what's going on with ******m. I'm still being with him after he wouldn't fucking stop. I hate him. I know he just likes me for my body. It's not even good sex honestly. But while I'm with him I feel like I'm close to somebody. Just somebody. It's fucking pathetic but it is what it is. Why do I need to feel intimacy. I like ***e but I know he doesn't feel the same way. I love how he doesn't have to be anyone but himself. It seems like he has no doubts; he's stable.

this is where I'll be staying for the summer. 

It looks beautiful. I wanna buy a bag of shrooms and take them with my sister.

poop. I'm going for Oregon for the summer. Tickets are bought.


Going to see Ely next period <3
Going to see Glen Hansard tonight. :)
Going to chill with Pedro tomorrow.

hmmm too many thoughts to be articulated. I feel all jumbled up and bloated with feelings. TOo much

i feel like really being myself.
I've said that a lot but I feel like I've never meant it the way I do now. I really don't feel like I have to meet anyone's physical standards. It feels right; I used to make a big show of myself and do what everyone else is doing. now that I don't have to try, everything seems a lot easier than it did before. i mean i don't think i totally totally do, but I'm definitely on the way there
I can't wait to be blonde again. it be rightt

my job interview went really well, i hear back within 2 days :0

going to Pedro's to see Simon today, I'm so excited. babayy raccoon and sheett

Lonely

Content

I love how certain things, which are usually completely unexpected and are things that I stumble over, make me so at peace.
I love how open I've been to people. I really enjoy talking to strangers, people.
I love literature but I'm too lazy and impatient to finish a book. That's why school is so important. It gives me the push .
I love poetry because it has no bounds. Art, for the same reason.
I love visiting galleries.
I love sneaking out in the early morning. Everything is so peaceful and dark and comforting.
I love revisiting and looking at things twice. Each new opinion or way I think shows how much I've changed.
I love animals. They are so pure.
I love seeing. Anything can be beautiful.
I love paradoxes.
I love going to concerts alone. The experience is all mine.
I love looking at my feet when I walk because it makes me conscious of the ground. It's been touched by everyone. :0
I love the French culture. It revolves around beauty. Not super-model beauty, but just the beauty in feeling something to its utmost. Food, language, art, architecture, Everything humans have to offer.
I love when the sun goes behind clouds, and everything gets a little darker and colder.
I love camping and hiking. I feel like I am with friends in the woods and mountains, even though there might not be any friends there.
I love sleeping by windows so when I wake up and I can just lay there and bathe in the light from the sunrise.
I love sleeping on the beach.
I love that hugs can feel good with anyone. But they feel the best when love is behind them, given or received.
I love walking in the rain.
I love looking back on who I used to be.
I love swimming far out in the ocean and feeling scared because I have no fucking clue as to what's beneath me.
I love boat trips.
I love honest expression.

Deep down, I'm content with just existing, just breathing.

Hunter S. Thompson

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.” 
                      interesting

“Life should not be a journey to the 

grave with the intention of arriving 

safely in a pretty and well preserved 

body, but rather to skid in broadside in 

a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, 

totally worn out, and loudly 

proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”

“Music has always been a matter of 

Energy to me, a question of Fuel. 

Sentimental people call it Inspiration, 

but what they really mean is Fuel. I 

have always needed Fuel. I am a serious 

consumer. On some nights I still believe 

that a car with the gas needle on empty 

can run about fifty more miles if you 

have the right music very loud on the 

radio.” 

Thanks for turning me on to Bill Hicks, Ely. And every thing else. I feel like I've grown so much since I've met you. And for the better.
You've already changed the world. Because all the world is, is 7 billion people. And you've affected mine greatly. An large change comes from small change.

It's interesting how things affect people. A lot of the things my mother said Wednesday night hurt a lot more than anything else. I've been censoring myself less and less because I thought she wouldn't judge and that I could talk about ideas and things I find interesting. I've been wrong to do so. My mom is very conservative and rigid in the way she thinks. I thought I was making our relationship better by being so open.

She always wonders why I don't believe in myself. I think part of it goes straight back to her when she explains that I am the source of all of her problems. I thought that she was saying this out of anger and frustration, but every time she explains it, it makes sense. She is right.

I really don't know what to do with myself.

I want to do what she tells me to do. I really do. All I know is that I'm very tired.

I talked to Manny Wednesday night. Only because I felt like no one was really there. I didn't say anything of what had happened. We just conversed as a acquaintances. 

I hear so much hatred

Through my apartment walls.

Fuming thunder, things breaking,

Acid rain, malicious calls.

The interior carries outside,

Hitting him, screaming at her

Rank emotions abide.

I go to the shower to wash it off.

new inkageee

Shit.
I felt terrible. She found out about the acid, the stealing, my cutting, everything. She wants me to go to rehab or NarcoticsAnonymous meetings. I think she's right. I've known I've had a problem. I just never thought I had the will or strength to be clean and honest. I used it as an escape. I don't use drugs for the right reasons. Usually, I smoke or roll to feel happy. I keep bouncing back to what my mother thinks is right and then to the drugs. I don't know what is what. I fucking hate that. I hate that I feel so sad and so full of emotion when I believe there's no reason for me to feel like that at all. I don't think I've been through much compared to others.

I'm sorry, Ely. I don't know why I just apologized or what for, I just felt like I had to. You are a beautiful person. Truly. My mom told me a bunch of things your mom recently told her about yours and her relationship. I kept telling her every relationship is a two way street. I don't know what to do with us though. I'm kind of locked up. And that's justified. Reed fell out of my kitchen window, because I left it open while I smoked in my apartment. I can't believe how all I've spiralled downwards. I keep having reoccurring trips, bad ones. I'm not trying to blame you for anything. I guess I'm just trying to persuade myself that what I did was bad. I've hurt my mother so much.

I spent Saturday with Ely, it was nice. I stayed home on Sunday, slept most of the day.

I'd like a cigarette right now. They're nice sometimes, with tea and a good book.

Fall Schedule

Registered at Harold...
            English 101 (Composition)  9:30AM - 10:50AM Tuesday & Thursday
            International Relations 11:00AM - 12:20PM Tuesday & Thursday
            Gen. Ed. Math 118 2:00PM - 3:45PM Tuesday & Thursday
            Non-Western Humanities (Women's Studies Emphasis) 5:30PM - 8:25PM Thursday

When ever I see a bruised apple at the market I pick it up and whisper to it "who did this to you?"

Tim sent this to me. He's a wonderful guy. It reminds me of our supposed trip to Paris. I hope it'll happen. I really do. I'll believe in you, Tim.

I really don't fit with the right place or people right now. I think I will in the future. I hope so.

Dreams

I felt like editing/deleting a few posts. That wouldn't be honest though. But I am not anyways. Whatever, I won't.

I'd really like to watch Requiem for a Dream.


The House Where We Grew Up by Hammock

I feel so caught between two worlds and flabbergasted by both of the different and tremendous possibilities they both offer. And a lot of anger, and it applies to people I do and do not care about.

I hate being so afraid to open up, but really it just stems from cutting down everything I feel. I don't think the occurrences are worthy of their affects on me. I've been told this and I believe it. When it comes down to it though, I'm just fragile. I'm just weak. And anytime I fool myself into thinking I have some ounce of strength, it corrodes me even more.

Dreams in the past few days (It's quite strange that I remember them...)
         1. I felt like I was tripping on cid. It was a really bad trip though. And I was lucid for the first time ever in this dream. All I want to do was wake up. I felt trapped and suffocated by my body. When I finally did wake up, I was cold and sweaty and scared. So I went into the bathroom and sat in the tub for a few minutes to calm myself down.
         2. I got kidnapped on an island. Usually in a scary movie or story, there's a "good guy" that at least tries to save the afflicted people. My dream wasn't like that. Everyone was truly bad. And when the others who were kidnapped with me started out scared and hopeful, they then turned to acceptance and transcended contentment in the pain and torture we experienced. I was constantly fearful and scared.
        3. I was raped by a black man (not African-American, but the actual color black) in this beautiful, sunny field full of tall wheaty grass and flowers. It was so strange having something so terrible occur in such a beautiful place. It wasn't violent either. He was just very strong. I woke up screaming.

I don't know what to think about them.

Bipolar piece of shit. Accept it. Accept it.

Sleeping At Last

"You spend your whole life just to remember the sound
When the world was brighter, before we learned to dim it down
Call it survival, call it freedom of will
When breath is our own, our compass needle standing still...

Cry wolf, cry mercy, cry the name of the one you were raised to believe
Cry heart, cry yourself to sleep, cry a storm of tears if it helps you breathe
It helps you, if it helps you breathe."

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been, 
Lives in a dream 
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door 
Who is it for? 

All the lonely people 
Where do they all come from? 
All the lonely people 
Where do they all belong?

Today is not the day for poetry. Today is the day that hides last night. Today is a mask of laughter. I am too tired for seriousness, for writing, for honesty. It was too scary and overwhelming. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel. Just let me be.

Explicitly So

The weekend was enjoyable. (Honestly I really hate talking in the past, because if I feel something for a time, place, or experience, it's much rather present than past.)
Friday night, Eddy (I've been spelling his name with "ie" at the end instead of "y", but he spells my name like"Alison" so I kind of like it either way lol) anyways Eddie and I rolled with Molly, enjoyed some MickyD's, got my brow pierced (for fuck's sake, an no other), and then we chilled in my room and I lit some candles and twinkly lights, and put on In Rainbows and we drew. It was so beautiful. A different kind of beauty. Overwhelming, not subtle beauty that lives in sobriety. There was this warm glow in the room, but not from all the lights being in a dark place. I think it came from us, just being happy. He's a really special guy, I have no reserves about him at all. He's totally genuine. I like that he can tease me in a playful way, that he makes me all butterfly-y, but that I still feel safe around him. And anytime he puts on the Beatles, he says that it's really nice. But I know that he's not just saying it to try to click with me. He appreciates the love behind it. He's also really passionate about art and creating things. I think it's very courageous to ACTUALLY do what you love. In my opinion, a lot of people don't, not truly, not candidly.
Saturday, I forgot what I did Saturday actually lol. Oh well. --wait oh yeah I went into Wicker and then to Ely's and met Shannon ( a very special lady) and we smoked with Looney. Looney's another really cool dude. When I was picking up stuff from him yesterday, he started acting out scenes from Pineapple Express to make me laugh because he knew I was rolling. I like how he's really aware, conscious and smart. Most dealers I know are I kindof stupid haha. He's paranoid in a really good way. ( I think negative descriptors apply to positivity. PARADOX ohhhhh shit)

Sunday, I met up with Eddie at Irving. We popped a couple caps and then went to Ely's. Skating was FUCKING AMAZING. I felt like the wind, like it was blowing straight through my body. All I remember was feeling so light, just weightless. I think all Molly really does is make the implicit, explicit. Nothing is subtle. It's a rage of beauty. I had a wonderful time at Ely's (as always). I love holding her. I feel like she physically interlocks with me. I've never felt like that about anyone before. I talked about the pretty video she showed Eddie and I to my mom, while she was driving me home. The sad thing is that I feel like she's happiest when I am on Molly. It's really the only time where I respect everyone, including myself. Bell just rung. I'll write later.

Distracted.
Nothing gets done.
Too many productivity killers,
Need to focus.
The flesh is willing,
but the spirit is weak.
Remaining caught in between.

“[Smoking] is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that [smoking] is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”

Sugar Packet Football

I cam home to irritability and silence once again. My mother lectured me once more. I took back my guitar and amp. Tom wasn't there but the guy I sold the guitar back to couldn't understand why I did it. I started weeping and left the store. At least I have money for Ely's tattoo now. My mom was happier when I came back. I don't ever want to talk about the guitar again though. It makes me too sad. Like the resume Ely picked up at the pizza place. He couldn't make a career out of the things he loved. I feel like I'm backed into a corner and that I have to succumb to a type of courage to find my way out. I think it's courageous to compromise yourself for others, to make people you love happy, to fit in the cogs of society. However, I also believe that it's courageous to be selfish and just do what makes your heart beat and be the way you are and not change for anyone but yourself. I understand both come with positive and negative territories.
Everything is so forced.
I miss my dad. I remember really liking living with him when I was really little, just after he and my mom divorced. I remember bike riding in the mall parking lot in Woodland Hills and him gently pushing me to do more daring things when I was riding, encouraging me to be less afraid. Or rock climbing in Joshua Tree, when he'd harness me and my American girl doll up a very small boulder and tell me what kind of holds , nooks, and crannies to look for. We used to sit on his couch on slow, warm afternoons and listen to The Eagles or Tom Petty or the Steve Miller Band. And anytime we'd go out to a restaurant which was anytime we ate together, (I always hoped for Islands, no one could beat their ranch fries!!), we'd always play a few games of sugar-packet football or shoot the paper covers on straws at each other. I like how he always made a game out of everything. I'm not saying everything was sunny fields of daisies all the time but it was nice. I've never realized how scared and cautious I've been during my life. It reminds me of my mom, always doing what's safe and what she's told.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize how accurately my sister mirrors my mom and how I mirror my dad. I miss my sister as well. Ely reminds me of her in some ways.

What I Don't Realize

Yesterday, I was really down. With all the shit going on with my mom. But then I figured that I'm really the only one in control of my happiness. That moment when I finished the sentence (before this one)  blew my mind. I Am in Control Of So Much. I feel so alone for the majority of the conscious time, like I havn't really connected with anyone, as I did with Iryne. Well, I guess I'll meet people when it's right, when it's natural. 

Anyways, yesterday, I went down to a pawn shop so I could have so dolla bills to spend in Wicker or in B/C. I ended up getting way more money than I had imagined I would, and while leaving the shop glanced at a few guitars on the wall. This hairy, old dude (who's probably passed the pipe around numerous times in his earlier days) asked me if I played guitar. I said 'yes' and it started. I talked to the dude about blues and music for an hour and walked out with a beautiful red electric Ibanez and a little amp. He guaranteed me free lessons whenever I wanted as well. Then I went on a few errands with Andrew and we had some tacos to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I came home to unadulterated and relentless silence issued by my mother. Right before I went to sleep, she started yelling again. I feel like the main problem with both of us is that any time we argue or fight, she thinks she can only be right and I think I can only be right. I tried to explain to her that I'm trying to figure out who I am, and where the line between being selfishness and compromising yourself lies. 

I have an interview at Trader Joe's Thursday along with my AP test. Let's hope both of those pan out will. I know they both will if I apply and be myself. 

It's so easy to just sit at home and waste myself away and drown myself in a pool of self-pity. Right now, i know it'll happen but I know I will never be how I used to. Constantly feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere, spiritually-wise, career-wise, you name it. 

If I save up enough money, I would like to enroll in a class at the Old School of Folk Music. They have a music class where all you do is learn music by Nick Drake. How bitchen' is that!!

                    

Seaweed

This song reminds me of the ocean. I miss it very much. It also reminds me of Jeff Johnson.

It makes me picture myself working shit jobs and then saving up to go kayaking and rock-climbing and hiking in Patagonia, and Puerto Rico, and Namibia.

I will see the world.

Octopus by King Krule

Baby Blue

My sandpaper sigh engraves a line into the rust of your tongue.
 Girl, I could have been someone to you. 
Would have painted the sky blue, baby blue...if you knew. 
 Baby blue. 
Edging closer, you swing my way. 
 I've got no chance and nothing to say. 
But stay here for a little while.
 Baby blue. 
But if only you could see I've got a shadow crossing your path.
 It won't be the last. Baby blue

Lay me out across the grey hours I should have kept at bay

I want to drop once more. This Friday? (Ely, tell me if you're game!!)

I've been feeling disconnected lately, even with people I really enjoy. Even with Ely (the most genuine and loving person I know), I feel like things are forced in some way. I feel as if I'm in a cloud of uncertainty. I don't know feel like I need to apply myself. I keep thinking what's the point. I remember when I first came to Schurz and I was trying really hard and going to do all that AP Art stuff. I was excited and happy, and thinking I had everything together. And I let it fall through. And I proved everyone who didn't believe me right. The biggest one being myself. I've found I only try half-heartedly. When Ely read me Brenda's suicide letter, I felt like I totally fucking got her. I don't even know this chick but I know we've felt the exact thing at some point in our lives. I wonder how many times that happens with people I have no knowledge of.

Last night, I got into a fight with my mom. She was just being sarcastic in a mean way, and I kept pointing out each time that she was being defensive and close-minded. She thinks anytime I'm not bubbly or happy, it's because of weed. Blasphemy, I say! She and I are on parallel lines. The last time I had something similar was about two years ago when things were out of control. I'm constantly in this void, trying to figure out how much I should conform. My mom considers herself a liberal, but she's very conservative in many ways. She disrespects anyone right away who's ever done any kind of recreational drug. She just gets by, by working her life away. She doesn't do what she loves. She does what America expects her to do. I don't know if she's truly happy. It's quite saddening. But I know it's all for me and my sister,and I am so fucking grateful. I hate that I treat her so badly. Anytime I fight the anger towards her, I feel like I'm pressing myself down. Is that right? That situation applies everywhere and to anything right now. So much doubt.

I hate that my last memory of being truly fucking happy was with Manny. I hate that.

On a different note, here's a new discovery. I'm going to try to see him in June in either Indiana or Iowa.

I love my sister's art, but not just because it's hers.

More Ramblings

I feel like I've found my place. I really do love Chicago and I wish I was a true native. I guess I am though in a way. All you need is a true love for a place and the feeling that it's home.

I love Archie Marshall. (HE'S 18 TOO *gasp*) He's touring Europe... *sigh* he needs to come visit the U.S.! I love the way his lips look when he sings, and how I can listen to his music over and over again and that it's more beautiful every time. His voice and guitar sound are so different, but not for the fact that he's not like other musical artists. So muffled and echo-ey. It's so simple too, yet it still works. I like how it doesn't make me feel happy or sad too. Just calm, just breathing, just cognizant.
I kind of like the live version better....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USvPnZyNTwk
"most unique nigga around" lol

I feel released from Yerika's web. I'm relieved that I can move on, like she is now.

I'm yearning for some more ink. INK INK INK so I guess I need a JOB JOB JOB
My interview at Steve Madden was bitchin', I think my attendance at GAP fucked me over though. And that's my fault. I'm going to get at myself. After this week, I'm coming to school every day and I'm not going to ditch class. I've got to start from somewhere. I've applied to a SHIT TON of places, I'm applying to Trader Joes too, hopefully I get an interview there soon!

I told Tim that he makes me mad. I wish he didn't have the feelings he does, or maybe it's more that I'm mad at myself that I can't reciprocate them. He, Ely, and I ditched Monday after Rychlewski's and chilled around Logan. Anytime I'm around, he plays Elliott Smith or Bon Iver, etc. While I appreciate it, it makes me kind of angry. I don't think he really loves that music in the way I do. He just plays it because he know I like it so much. That's sweet but I'd rather he play music he really loves.

My mom asked me if I was trying to be goth today because of my new hair lol mommmmmerrrrsssss

Peace, guys

I'm supposed to be getting shit done... I'm not. Oh, well! It gives me an excuse to come back here and get excited for the fall. I know Harold wasn't my plan or exactly what I want, but I know it will help me reach somewhere I'll happy. I like Ely's idea of community college in NorCal by Berkeley. I really hope she pursues it, and I'll do what I can to help her get there. She deserves to be happy. :)

I want to experience LSD again. I feel like the first time gets you used to it. It wasn't a bad trip at all. It was just really intense and kind of scary how it made me go down deep into myself in a completely honest way. You don't hold anything back when you're thinking or talking. There aren't any filters. I want to see how much I can find out about myself. I'm not letting myself do it more than five times in my lifetime though. I know if it's done in excess, it can fuck me up.

I'm going to stay sober from weed for a while. It doesn't do what it used to, and I hate that I need more and more to feel high. Ganja's cool and all but it can totally withdraw you from yourself, which is a necessary experience, but I feel like it's just a way for me to hide from  myself. Molly and Lucy let you stay yourself, they just heighten your most important and truest senses.

I miss my sister. She's seeing Fleetwood Mac in June buttttt AAHFUIDHUFKSDF Bob Dylan's coming to the TOWN OF CHI AND TICKETS ARE ONLY EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS. nummy :}

I have a job interview in Wicker and I feel prepared :D. Wish me luckk :) Afterwards is time with Ely at Metamorphosis and Vintage Underground

peace, guys

You warm my heart, Ely. I can't wait till I see you next. Saturday and then Monday night sleepover at mi casa. I love that you've taken a genuine interest in Elliott. I'm going to start listening harder to The Smiths and Mr. Morrissey.

Right now, I don't know how to guage anything. What love is, what courage is, what makes me happy. Rychlewski read a list of questions that popped into his fine mind when he read Catcher in the Rye. I feel like I could apply them to my life, but they'd be hard to answer.
     
         "An inability to face the realities of life will lead to a yearning for the unreal and the impossible and to actions that are anti-social and self-destructive."

I feel like I'm willing to face reality, but my problem is that I don't even know what reality is. I'm thinking of sobering up - completely. Just to see how things change and to see how that affects my mindset. Drugs are so awesome though. I don't know what to think of them. I don't want it to be so that life revolves around them. Then again, I don't even know what my life revolves around right now. I feel so selfish, but I don't know why. I do know that I have a home, my room. But it's only a home when my mom is in my room. I think that's what a home is. It's not a physical, concrete place. It can change. All you need for it to be constituted is to have love in it.

I just want to be full of love, and I don't want to be so judgemental. Love is the only element that when it consumes you fully, it's okay. Everything else needs to be balanced. EVerything could almost be balanced to make love. Like love is the circle and yin and yang make it up.

I really hate how I weigh so much on my appearance. Our bodies are so little of who we are. When my dog died and I just felt his body there, there was nothing there. It's so sad and nice at the same time. Why I do rely on my body to make me feel good about myself. I really shouldn't. Next week, I'll go all natural. Tangible things are nothing when you think about it in a way. It's the work that goes into making them, and the abstract reasons they come to you. The people they come from. That's what make them important. I'm not going to buy outsourced clothes anymore, anything made in China or India, Malaysia, etc.

Ely,
I wrote you a letter and I'd love for you to read it lol.
I also came by your house yesterday because my mom let me take the car out. And you weren't there :o

But it's okay lol
I would love to see you soon

Some Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Sherlock Holmes

I am still so hurt. I want to be over all of this, hopefully writing this and getting it out will help.

Having so much love I gave to not be enough and to have it  thrown back in my face. Anytime, I thought you were sad at school, I'd pull you to the side so you could vent, or cry, or do whatever you needed to do. I look back on all your posts saying you were so happy. I know I need space to figure my shit out, by myself. That helps me, I've been trying to learn to be able to take care of myself and not be so dependent on others for my selfworth. But I did truly think that I made you happy. But recently, you said all I did was do the opposite. So were they all lies? To have given you a handmade clock that I brought back from India and a pen and ink drawing I spent 2 weeks on, just to have you throw it away. I don't give a fuck about a god damn dvd. It's expendable. It's something you order on fucking Amazon. I thought I was a source of love in your life. That sentiment made feel happy. Like we were helping eachother. Like I was making a positive difference in your life. I feel like fucking shit to have been thinking I was and then I hear I accomplished only the exact opposite.

It only makes me realize how expendable I am.

On the way to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. We'll see if we turn back or not. We're outside of St. Louis, Missouri.

LUCY

We'll see how my first trip goes.
Ely
Velvet Underground
Pizza and Skittles

more plANS

I'm really into the idea of being a paramedic. As a career.
          As well as touring in the PeaceCorps.
There's this organiation called NOLA, that does outdoor trips where you camp, canoe, kayak, and rock climb. So I am thinking about that too.

Every living being is a dancer

I feel really sad for people with so much hate in them. And I don't mean it in a condescending or patronizing way. I sincerely mean it. I wish they could embrace beauty and love and accept that life can be shitty. While life is beautiful, it is ugly and you can't change that. It is a constant factor.

I hope people realize that whenever I put on music, I pick the artist or album very deliberately, like playing that music is a way of saying something or putting a certain type of ambience in the air. I know Tim and Ely do, and I appreciate that so much. But weirdly enough my mom doesn't. She used to play all this music for me when I was a wee one, that inspired my infatuous love for music, but I feel bad I can't do the same for her. It's all about a particular vibe that you pick up from people when you're listening to something together. Whether stay quiet, or comment on it or just ignore it all together.

My evening with Alex was nice. He told me he kind of goes "mooshy" when he's around me so that's probably why he's always talking lol. I want to enjoy a bit of silence with him though and I want to see how it feels. I feel like you can tell a lot about your connection with anyone by a nice silence. Even strangers. It's odd, I'm attracted to him, physically.  But the more I think about him the more I like him in more than a friend way. I didn't really think I would. I didn't think our personalities were compatable. I guess I'm doing what Iryne taught me. I see his flaws but I'm learning to like them or get used to them. (Even though he doesn't have many.) (I think the preponderance of awkwardness when we're around each other is based on his nervousness.)
I still think about Manny though. Time will erase those feelings though I guess.

Ely,
your acid comment lol, I feel it too lol, I get really nervous around you and I don't know why and I probably cause some awkwardness or a lack of comfortablenessss . I forget myself, not in a bad way, just in a weird way. I love when we were so stoned and laughing, I love hanging out with love

"Aquarius and Libra

When Libra and Aquarius join in a love match, their relationship can serve to heighten and strengthen both Signs’ consciousness. These two connect on a high mental level; they share a love of art, people and culture; they both abhor restrictive influences in their lives. They are likely to get along well because they have such similar needs and will not require more of one another than they’re both willing to give. Both Signs are also very energetic, enthusiastic types; this relationship is not likely to become stagnant.
Both Aquarius and Libra are concerned with the betterment of the world and their fellow people. Aquarius is the most progressive thinker of the Zodiac, and they always have a new idea in the works. Libra is the diplomat of the Zodiac; abhorring conflict of any sort, they are born balancers (hence their Symbol, the Scales). Libra’s urge to avoid conflict put together with a love of intellectual freedom can lead them to be somewhat indecisive at times; when this happens, more decisive Aquarius can step in and help Libra figure out which direction to turn. Libra can return the favor by smoothing Aquarius’s occasionally ruffled feathers that result from the Water Bearer’s idealistic thinking sometimes crashing down in the face of reality.
Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Uranus (Rebellion) and Saturn (Karma). This combination of influences can be an interesting and productive one; Libra and Aquarius should certainly take on other projects together than simply their love relationship, because they can make great things happen using their hearts, their urge for progress and their consciousness of the greater good. These two are an extraordinary duo for standing up for social justice or radical change in the community.
Both Libra and Aquarius are Air Signs. They have strong intellectual bonds to one another and constantly stimulate one another’s ideas and communication styles and skills. Again, their ability to work together makes it obvious that these two Signs must take on larger projects in their life together — they should concern themselves with the greater good. Libra can bring a certain balance to any undertaking that almost no other Sign is able to achieve. Aquarius and Libra together will also have many stimulating intellectual discussions about their interests and pursuits.
Libra is a Cardinal Sign and Aquarius is a Fixed Sign. Libra sets things into motion but may have trouble finishing them, which is what makes Aquarius’s determined influence so positive: The Water Bearer has a great deal of follow-through and can take Libra’s ideas and run with them to the end. These two work especially well together as they tend not to argue about who does what, who takes credit and who works behind the scenes versus out in the spotlight.
What’s the best aspect of the Libra-Aquarius relationship? Their ability to work together as a team. Together they can learn much more than either Sign would alone. Their accomplishments and love of socializing and new projects make theirs a highly successful relationship."
I feel like my relationship will get stronger with him, it's not all crazy and overwhelming for me right now but I reall think it could get to that point.

Some Mastocistic shit.

DESPIT OF MY RAGE, I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE.

I have had so much anger deep down lately. I just break down sometimes when I'm alone, but just for a minute or two. It kind of feels good afterwards, kind of. Loneliness, having no one to talk to, not anyone in any immediacy. Iryne doesn't respond to me most of the time, but I understand, she has a whole. Brandi does as well. I can't contact Ely or Tim. And Yerika doesn't want to be there anymore.
I feel so hurt all the time. I feel like screaming at people. And I don't do that. I just kind of keep things hidden away. I need an outlet. I haven't been skating lately because my ankles feel sort of  fucked up.

I have a date with Alex to watch a bunch of movies today. I know he likes me but I really don't feel like he understands me or really wants to. He talks about himself a lot and I like listening but whenever I provide something construed as more than simple commentary, he just keeps talking. Maybe it's because he's nervous, I don't know. I'll see how things go tonight. I guess he's just young. It's not like hanging out with Tim or Andrew. I shouldn't compare people though.

I try to read to expand the reigns of my intellect. It doesn't work. I only understand things if Rychlewski explains them. I feel really stupid. Like I claim to be smarter than I actually truly am. Reality check, I'm not that intelligent. What the fuck am I gonna do. Fucking screwup. In a constant battle between dragging myself down and lifting myself up. I am an asshole. ANd I'm just being straight, I'm not begging for compliments or secretly wanting someone to tell me I'm not one. I just am

Never underestimate the pain of others, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling.

Cheese, Wine, and Water Bottle Bongs

Some places just have a certain feel. Like when I lived in California last year, or Crystal Lake Central or Prairie Ridge. Or even here. They were different phases. I just remember being a certain way in each of the places I've been to or lived in. I miss California weather. I miss how the stripes of light made by the blinds of my windows warmed my room, even though it was all dark and grey. And how anytime Dad and Monica would fight or scream or yell, I would take my little brother in my room and listen to music or take pictures. And then he'd say my music was weird. But he would say it in a tiny, cute voice so it was okay. I miss all the sawdust in the garage from daddy's woodshop projects. And how he was so proud of me when I would talk about turning pens or making wood joints (not the marijuana kind lol). Some places just have a different atmosphere or theme. And the feel of Iryne's room, and cuddling with her and making pipes or looking up chakra and palm reading stuff. She had the most kind demeanor of anyone I'll ever know. I remember when we first hung out, it was really awkward. She told me later that that was because she was looking for flaws in me. She always said she tried to find people's flaws first so she could accept them and learn to love them. I always keep the letter that she sent me with me, along with the little pressed flower she sent with it. I miss her very very much.

When I was hanging out with Eddy yesterday, he asked me something very interesting. He inquired if I had ever felt that I'd lost myself, like characteristics or how I walk or talk to execute the smallest of things. I told him that it happens to me a lot. He replied that it happens to him a lot as well. Then I said that all we can do is recover to find ourselves, to do things that turn you on, or stimulate you. After we chilled, I went to the Old Town School of Folk Music and bought a tambourine. Then I went to a French restaurant and conversed in French with my waitress and ate incredible food full of cheesey goodness. I can't wait until I live in Paris. I can't wait.

Something strange occurred when I was at a cafe with Eddy though. "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Bob Dylan played around me, and I thought about people, about Manny, and it was similar to when I was listening to Imagine on the bus. This overwhelming feeling washed through me and I started to tear up. It just made sense. Life, breathing, waking up, walking, talking... it all had a sufficient purpose, like realizing that the mere fact I was alive was such an amazing blessing. Life just made sense for a few moments.

Rychlewski said something very interesting today. He said that there are two kinds of people in this world... people who let things go and people who don't. Many people cling to the past as an excuse for their future, and even their present. I'm not going to be that person any more.

I'm very stationary right now; my mind is. I'm really mad at myself for not making it into Puget Sound in Washington. But alas, there isn't anything I can do about that now. Just have to accept it.

I'm really happy for Yerika with her whole Pomona thing. I would say she is lucky, but I also know that her whole thing had to do with hard work more than it had to do with luck.

So I guess I'll use my failure as motivation.

I'm going to start volunteering soon. (yayaa) My friend, Alex has a hook up and we might start volunteering together. I'm happy about that. Alex is a cool dude. I went to the military ball with him last Friday night. He completely opened up to me; I like that I make people feel comfortable. It makes me feel like I have some purpose. After he (somewhat futilly) tried to teach me how to dance, Andrew drove us around. We went on the highway and went 130 mph and blasted music. It was kindof nice. Andrew is definately one of my homess. He comes over a lot and we'll just drink a beer and talk about shit on my roof late at night. We get each other. I want to go visit him in South Carolina, when he leaves.

I had a burger for lunch today. I really felt bad about it. I don't want to eat meat anymore. I don't feel like my boycotting the meat industry will make change. It's just a personal thing. It had a heart and beautiful, big, brown eyes. It lay in a swamp of minour its whole life. Something so beautiful in such an ugly situation. Ely and I went to Petsmart yesterday (and quite randomly so lol). We wanted to take home every living creature we saw. I like that about her. Everything, the smallest things are so beautiful. It made me realize how lucky I am to have pets, pets who give me so much love. My baby Ell-namomo <3. I want to give back to them what they give to me. It makes me miss my wonderful babydoggg, Neville. Animals have a unique naivite that make them so full of perspective.

It feels strange to finally believe people, with compliments in reference to me. I always believed the negative stuff first and I would churn it over and over again in my mind. I should always remember negative things I need to work on, but it shouldn't consume me, like it has before. It feels nice to finally believe the good stuff though.

I'm going job hunting today with my friend , Eddy. He said he wanted to talk about stuff too.  Ely is supposed to come though too(call me lady!!!)

I feel like anything said or explained to you would be in vain. We disagree on this whole situation and BOTH of us are honestly just being defensive. We've hurt each other, and I kind of feel like anytime we argue it's just to make the other person feel the way you/I do. I'm sure I don't understand how you're feeling and I'm sure you don't understand how I am feeling. And that's fine. I'm willing to meet in the middle, but I know you're not. You're going to stick to what other people are saying, people you trust, so I understand that.
I don't believe in cutting anyone off, in having so much malice for someone who's never inflicted atrocities on you. So I'm still open to you, if you ever need to talk, I'll  be here. I'm guessing you won't take that offer, but I really feel this is the right thing to do, the right thing to say. So farewell, I guess.

Prom. is. for. squares.
I'd much rather be in Manchester, Tennessee seeing
                                                                               Paul McCartney, The National, The Tallest Man on Earth, Tom Petty, The XX, Grizzly Bear, Beach House, Cat Power, GLEN HANSARD, Macklemore, Portugal. The Man (FINALLY), Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Tame Impala, Local Natives, Wild Nothing, Calexico, Lord Huron, Futurebirds, Sea Wolf....
                                     NEED I GO ON?? :)

Monayysss:: Tickets: A little less than $300
                   Greyhound bus there and back: $350
                   Prostitute cheap level motel: tba
annddd spending monayyyssss

Very conflicting.
I read it.
I don't think you're set. Nobody is set. However, not everybody has a chance like you do. Hardly so.
Similar to what Ely said. You don't really fully understand anything between me and Manny. You have an outside perspective, which is helpful, but not the whole deal, you know? And he wasn't honest. The more I think about, the more I realize all those fucking lies that I turned my eyes away from. Being inlove is like nothing else. It is love but it's not. It's not loving a best friend or your parents. It's unhealthy and all-consuming in the best and worst ways. Don't feel like you have to have the final right say about it. Just like I don't understand certain things you've gone through; you don't with me.
And babe, I have had SIX FUCKING THERAPISTS. Maybe it's that I haven't met the right one, but it hasn't affected me in the wat that it's supposed to. I don't think it's my personal way of getting help. And that is okay. I'll find a different way.
I really don't think you let me in too quickly. It's just balance, man. (that libra shit lolol). We have different perceptions of what it is to be a good friend. You painted me as this misery chick, kind of imparting herself on others in negative ways. Honestly I have never met anyone who's said that. Even though I wasn't perfect, I wasn't terrible either. I really tried to comfort you with love, but the truth (to me) as well. I'm not going to baby you.
I'll post more or edit this later.

THE PLAN.
Motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! teehee

Here are the colleges I am going to apply to transfer to out of Harold.
Sarah Lawrence (New York)
Oberlin (Ohio)
Bard (New York)
Lewis & Clark (Oregon)
Hampshire (Massachusetts)
Beloit (Wisconsin)

[things I'm going to do to help me get there, to gain clarity and a better sense of what living is]


                        Go full time to Harold Washington (FREE UPASS WOOOOTT) for two years,
                                        Do Gen Ed. and if possible get an AA degree in English, Social Studies, or somthing Internaitonal
                        Electric cello -- I'm going to start taking private lessons again. I'll play rock (Hendrix, beatles, pink floyd, whatever my heart desires) as well as classical
                        Volunteer -- (Ely, tell me the places your therapist talked to you about :)), I'm also going to look into animal and homeless shelters)
                        Hooping -- My goal is to fire hoop by next year RIGHT NOW. lol even though I look completely ungraceful and I suck at maneuvring it now
                        Alliance de Francais -- Join it again and graduate from the advanced French classes. I'll go to the Institutode cervante if I finish that up before 2 years
                        Volunteer SOME MORE

That isn't her.

She doesn't "just float from people to people getting what [she] needs. I have met many people and if anything she just enjoys people. She connects with them.
I don't think that the idea of a friendship or any relationship should be all the time and overwhelming. That's not balance. That's not healthy. It's give and take and knowing when to swoop in and butt out. My mother is probably the person I love most in the world and God knows we would kill eachother if we were around eachother like that. She doesn't get a dose and go off. Having true friends isn't about having them to make you feel better about yourself. It's not needing people like that, for personal gain.

Well shit.

I wrote this letter during 3rd period before I saw the comments on those posts. I apologize if this makes things more complicated. I feel like I understand the situation better now kind of but I'd still like you to see this letter...

"You don't give up on people you love. But I guess that's what both of us did.
Though I still maintain a sense of insecurity, that sense used to be substantially larger than it is now. I used to surround myself with people, with anyone because I thought that if I had people around me, it meant I was "accepted". I was confirming my worth in a synthetic way. And to keep those people, I allowed them to step all over me. Many people I know now are not aware of what I was, how I carried myself. We all go through phases in life, not that they are the same. But that each of us are so many different kinds of people within our own one life.
I've been feeling comfortable in my own skin and not so ashamed of myself. So when someone says that all I did was make them feel miserable, that my complete selfishness was so apparent and prevalent, that I was just a drain. It made me doubt everything about myself. I quit my job, I almost cut my hair off to try to make a change until I finally realized that no impulse of change controlled by me was going to help the situation. Doing that wasn't really going to change me.
So tell me what I did... You say that all I did was take, take, take because you werent willing to take. But How? There are all these claims and I believe them; you're a smart person and you possess a big heart. So for you to say all those things, it must mean something true, something valid. How did I put you down. Tell me so I can change for the better, so I don't screw anyone else over. Tell me so I feel like I can be close to someone without hurting them.
It also hit me really fucking hard that you said you talked to Manny. All you did was talk shit about him (similarly to Aaron). And going to someone you didn't seem to respect was very indicative of your lack of respect for me. Even teachers, people I really look up to.
I understand that you want nothing to do with me. I know you and Ely care about eachother very much. To me, you seem to create a balance, a compatability. I'll stay away from you two if both of you think that would be right. I don't want to, but then again you made it seem that not only was I affecting you negatively, but your relationships with others as well. Ely is a beautiful person and I feel grateful to know her and know that there are people out there like her.
Let me know."

I hope that you see how much I respect you Yerika, and that this letter is a testament to that. I would have made this more direct or made it a comment but it was too long.
After reading all those comments and postings again, I feel like only posting the letter would make things more of a mess. I don't expect you to respond to it, I just wanted you to see how I feel. How willing I am to be better and how sorry I am that just being myself was such detrimental force to you.

summer days were just a magazine, a magazine, a magazine...
cutting grass for gasoline, for gasoline
so i can see you soon...

fall swooned
left me drunk in a field
dandelion wine for a year
and i packed up the dust
of all that i owned
handkerchief hung from a pole
i rolled out the day that the apples fell...

I'd  kind of whore myself out to have Pandora 25/8.... ONE DAY
          I love finding so much glorious music on this website of wonderment

MICHAEL FUCKING LARSEN
god rest his soul
 i love how his voice is so white and unattractive. It; doesn't follow any tropes of rap or hip hop. It's just what it is... abstract,

Two sets of footprints placed ahead of the dirt softened from tear drops
And overlooking the earth as the son of the moon
protected by a forcefield of pure thought.. On this I stand
A rally of unemployed disgrunt of words on for long journeys to somewhere
somewhere that only causes me pain as I strain my soul crammin into rightness
so I can bring some there,
I bleed the blood of a cold stone that rolls without a shadow
I'm only deep enough to realize that I'm shallow
My head I keep it up but its hard to keep it straight
when you don't believe in love,
and you just cant cope with hate

Metal rust, leaves turn into dust,

as the difference between love and lust clarifies as trust

if you only had an hour to sum your whole life up

would you spend that hour sayin that an hour ain't enough

I've mistaken the shield that bound me a cowardess

now I'm faithful to the wind but compared to it I'm powerless

the first step was made, and it was a fair accomplishment

the pond was sittin still, so I threw a rock in it

and as my reflection rippled it all became clear

the seasons always change so there's no reason for fear

we made an autobiography of our pivotal years

its all I got and I'm giving it you because I care

A lot of the time humans are hard to stay susistent

self-projecting state of falsehood

were either too close to our image to stay objective in our conception,

or too far away to be subjective in any matter

this only widens our void in social conformity

introduced to our souls at birth and so I write.

I don't write without the intention of objectivity

or attention in the image

but only as an unright directional bridge

between the several flowing tunes scripture

reality is present in countless space and time

see I don't write for the future,

I write about the future, for the present

I write with my past, about the future, for the present.

On this I stand

The oasis of the limbo adjacent to my generation, facing out the window

waiting for some ventilation, patient while the wind blows

faceful in its demonstration, overall innovation.

On this I stand

A fountain of youth sovereignty, found in syllables more than a pound of flesh

deep breath of achievement, a dream and a wake up call

another haul of the quest.

On this I stand

Another loved civilization.

On this I stand

The purity of creation.

On this I stand

A paradigm for self.

On this I stand

I thank you for your help.

On this I stand
My first born child.
On this I stand
Something for now.
On this I stand
Life, love, death and hate.
On this I stand
And helmwood, glad you could relate. Peace...

RAMBLINGS

Fuck, this sucks. (Those are some choice words there aha.)
I can't get my mind off that asshole, who's literally probably fucking someone right now. I've been told multiple times that he's doing a lot of girls. It makes me want to hurt him so badly and I 'm the complete opposite of violent. I don't resort to it. I keep thinking of what I would say if we ever talked to him. part of me wants to say how he broke me and cut me up into little peices and spread them all over kingdom fucking come. And the other parts wants me to be polite and strong and okay. struggle. That's kind of what I feel every second. (But like a pussy struggle, I dont have cancer, I havnt been raped, I feel like my problems are shallow) An internal battle of unadultered hate or real love. I keep having this dream where he and i are at a party and he starts making out with some girl and he knows I'm watching and so I go alone upstairs to a bedroom to get away from it all. I fall asleep and then I wake up and he's doing it with a girl in the same fucking room and then when he's finished he offers me cocaine. what the fuck man. That's something that really bothered me. that we had so much sex and to him it was just an activity. it wasn't a special intimate act of love like it was to me. And then in our last fight he just says how boring i was. Was like sticking needles and pins straight into my heart strings. I hate how I'm so torn apart by this. It's so hard to smile, to laugh. I can only feel a kind of happiness when Im not sober. The pain is constantly looming in the back of my consciousness. and it consumes my subconscience. How long will this take. How much more time.
I just NEED to accept things the way they are.

I wish I had adventures every day. going places. experiencing new things and all the things I never knew existed... I met aumi and panda thursday night and had a lovely, chill time. I'd like to get to know them better and hear their life's stories.

I've kind of always wanted to recreate myself and I do. The past year has been the only time I've really been myself and kept steady. I'd like a new name though. I want to be Penny Lane and go to Morrocco and be excited and not take things so seriously. But I guess the complete emotional rollercoaster is a part of me and I just have to accept. Accept. Accept.  Accept as much as you can, my darling.

I read the post. It's interesting that you know I read yours though. You know I have very limited access to the internet so it actually does say something about how I care about you. So if you read mine, I'm sorry that I can't communicate all of this to you in person. I feel like a coward in a way. But I think it's good in a way that we both write. Everything thought out or felt while we actually talk is immediate and it's difficult to think everything through. So that's why writing is so helpful I guess. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable about this is that I feel like Kristina and/or Ely is behind you reading this is as well or it's like you would show them this anyways. So therefore it's not really personal. When I'm talking to you, it's specifically to you, especially being that I think that you know me best. I doubt they understand me as I don't really understand their lives or what goes on with them personally.

With space... I've had this problem with others before. They'll do something that wouldn't logically illicit attention back to them, but then they're kind of sad that they didn't get attention from shutting those people out. It's like that one time with Gesenia... You shut her out, and she wasn't nice to you. And then you we're saying how hurt you felt. It wasn't fair to her. Hell I did that all the time, but I'm trying to grow out of it. And with the comparing yourself to me, with the whiteness and musicalness and shit. I compare myself to you too, even though I shouldn't. We are different from each other and that's totally okay. None of us is better than the other, we're just different. Shit, music is all I have. Right now I don't have a path to a future. I guess a top notch college isn't what is right for me. It makes me sad but then I realize it's done, I got rejected from a dream, and now if it's really what I want I have to find some other way to get there, or to some sort of happiness.) You do. You got it made in many ways.

I feel like all I hear is that we shouldn't be close, and ironically from people who havn't even known me for a substantial amount of time. I get they say you're affected by me but that makes me feel terrible. Like how shitty of a person am I if I make someone feel less of the person they are. Everyone close to you knows the situation better than me, I guess. Even teachers, that hurts though.

In my opinion, you do need space to figure yourself out. You can't figure out things and answer all these questions, or have people carry you along picking you up everytime you fall. There is a period of time where that's appropriate. But they're not always going to be there. You start growing when you can pick yourself up, and you've GOT to try. when you tell yourself "Hey, Good job" or "I am beautiful". Because I know, and from personal experience, I don't believe others when they compliment me, even if it's from people that I really respect. You have to realize the beauty in yourself.
Also during all this really heavy stuff going on inside you, this ominous stuff, I have it too and I'm trying my best to figure things out. I feel like both of us have to maintain ourselves before we can really make a positive difference in other people's lives. I'm sure my shit is draining to you and vice versa. There's just sooo much in the amalgamate of yours and mine and all the people we love's problems. I felt everything so heavy man, and doubted so much. and I didn't treat you right. I was wrongly mad at you on the inside because it was just too fucking much, more than I had the power to deal with. And it made me feel like a was worse of a person because I couldn't fix everything. I guess I am in some ways.
I don't even know what life or anything is right now. I'm really god damn lonely, sometimes I spend whole days not talking to anyone or anything, I just stay in my bed and sleep and listen to music. I guess that's kind of my fault. But My best friend is thousands of miles away and that's hard. I just have to get over that, and make each day matter now, no matter how sorry I feel for myself. I really feel like I have nothing figured out a lot of the time. Everything is just confusing and conflicting.

But You do have so much ahead of you man, so many opportunities and wonderful places and wonderful people. Hell we both have that even now kind of. We just need to realize it, to embrace it. I don't know where we stand, I just hope it's not in a bad place.