I read the post. It's interesting that you know I read yours though. You know I have very limited access to the internet so it actually does say something about how I care about you. So if you read mine, I'm sorry that I can't communicate all of this to you in person. I feel like a coward in a way. But I think it's good in a way that we both write. Everything thought out or felt while we actually talk is immediate and it's difficult to think everything through. So that's why writing is so helpful I guess. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable about this is that I feel like Kristina and/or Ely is behind you reading this is as well or it's like you would show them this anyways. So therefore it's not really personal. When I'm talking to you, it's specifically to you, especially being that I think that you know me best. I doubt they understand me as I don't really understand their lives or what goes on with them personally.

With space... I've had this problem with others before. They'll do something that wouldn't logically illicit attention back to them, but then they're kind of sad that they didn't get attention from shutting those people out. It's like that one time with Gesenia... You shut her out, and she wasn't nice to you. And then you we're saying how hurt you felt. It wasn't fair to her. Hell I did that all the time, but I'm trying to grow out of it. And with the comparing yourself to me, with the whiteness and musicalness and shit. I compare myself to you too, even though I shouldn't. We are different from each other and that's totally okay. None of us is better than the other, we're just different. Shit, music is all I have. Right now I don't have a path to a future. I guess a top notch college isn't what is right for me. It makes me sad but then I realize it's done, I got rejected from a dream, and now if it's really what I want I have to find some other way to get there, or to some sort of happiness.) You do. You got it made in many ways.

I feel like all I hear is that we shouldn't be close, and ironically from people who havn't even known me for a substantial amount of time. I get they say you're affected by me but that makes me feel terrible. Like how shitty of a person am I if I make someone feel less of the person they are. Everyone close to you knows the situation better than me, I guess. Even teachers, that hurts though.

In my opinion, you do need space to figure yourself out. You can't figure out things and answer all these questions, or have people carry you along picking you up everytime you fall. There is a period of time where that's appropriate. But they're not always going to be there. You start growing when you can pick yourself up, and you've GOT to try. when you tell yourself "Hey, Good job" or "I am beautiful". Because I know, and from personal experience, I don't believe others when they compliment me, even if it's from people that I really respect. You have to realize the beauty in yourself.
Also during all this really heavy stuff going on inside you, this ominous stuff, I have it too and I'm trying my best to figure things out. I feel like both of us have to maintain ourselves before we can really make a positive difference in other people's lives. I'm sure my shit is draining to you and vice versa. There's just sooo much in the amalgamate of yours and mine and all the people we love's problems. I felt everything so heavy man, and doubted so much. and I didn't treat you right. I was wrongly mad at you on the inside because it was just too fucking much, more than I had the power to deal with. And it made me feel like a was worse of a person because I couldn't fix everything. I guess I am in some ways.
I don't even know what life or anything is right now. I'm really god damn lonely, sometimes I spend whole days not talking to anyone or anything, I just stay in my bed and sleep and listen to music. I guess that's kind of my fault. But My best friend is thousands of miles away and that's hard. I just have to get over that, and make each day matter now, no matter how sorry I feel for myself. I really feel like I have nothing figured out a lot of the time. Everything is just confusing and conflicting.

But You do have so much ahead of you man, so many opportunities and wonderful places and wonderful people. Hell we both have that even now kind of. We just need to realize it, to embrace it. I don't know where we stand, I just hope it's not in a bad place.