RAMBLINGS

Fuck, this sucks. (Those are some choice words there aha.)
I can't get my mind off that asshole, who's literally probably fucking someone right now. I've been told multiple times that he's doing a lot of girls. It makes me want to hurt him so badly and I 'm the complete opposite of violent. I don't resort to it. I keep thinking of what I would say if we ever talked to him. part of me wants to say how he broke me and cut me up into little peices and spread them all over kingdom fucking come. And the other parts wants me to be polite and strong and okay. struggle. That's kind of what I feel every second. (But like a pussy struggle, I dont have cancer, I havnt been raped, I feel like my problems are shallow) An internal battle of unadultered hate or real love. I keep having this dream where he and i are at a party and he starts making out with some girl and he knows I'm watching and so I go alone upstairs to a bedroom to get away from it all. I fall asleep and then I wake up and he's doing it with a girl in the same fucking room and then when he's finished he offers me cocaine. what the fuck man. That's something that really bothered me. that we had so much sex and to him it was just an activity. it wasn't a special intimate act of love like it was to me. And then in our last fight he just says how boring i was. Was like sticking needles and pins straight into my heart strings. I hate how I'm so torn apart by this. It's so hard to smile, to laugh. I can only feel a kind of happiness when Im not sober. The pain is constantly looming in the back of my consciousness. and it consumes my subconscience. How long will this take. How much more time.
I just NEED to accept things the way they are.

I wish I had adventures every day. going places. experiencing new things and all the things I never knew existed... I met aumi and panda thursday night and had a lovely, chill time. I'd like to get to know them better and hear their life's stories.

I've kind of always wanted to recreate myself and I do. The past year has been the only time I've really been myself and kept steady. I'd like a new name though. I want to be Penny Lane and go to Morrocco and be excited and not take things so seriously. But I guess the complete emotional rollercoaster is a part of me and I just have to accept. Accept. Accept.  Accept as much as you can, my darling.