You warm my heart, Ely. I can't wait till I see you next. Saturday and then Monday night sleepover at mi casa. I love that you've taken a genuine interest in Elliott. I'm going to start listening harder to The Smiths and Mr. Morrissey.

Right now, I don't know how to guage anything. What love is, what courage is, what makes me happy. Rychlewski read a list of questions that popped into his fine mind when he read Catcher in the Rye. I feel like I could apply them to my life, but they'd be hard to answer.
     
         "An inability to face the realities of life will lead to a yearning for the unreal and the impossible and to actions that are anti-social and self-destructive."

I feel like I'm willing to face reality, but my problem is that I don't even know what reality is. I'm thinking of sobering up - completely. Just to see how things change and to see how that affects my mindset. Drugs are so awesome though. I don't know what to think of them. I don't want it to be so that life revolves around them. Then again, I don't even know what my life revolves around right now. I feel so selfish, but I don't know why. I do know that I have a home, my room. But it's only a home when my mom is in my room. I think that's what a home is. It's not a physical, concrete place. It can change. All you need for it to be constituted is to have love in it.

I just want to be full of love, and I don't want to be so judgemental. Love is the only element that when it consumes you fully, it's okay. Everything else needs to be balanced. EVerything could almost be balanced to make love. Like love is the circle and yin and yang make it up.

I really hate how I weigh so much on my appearance. Our bodies are so little of who we are. When my dog died and I just felt his body there, there was nothing there. It's so sad and nice at the same time. Why I do rely on my body to make me feel good about myself. I really shouldn't. Next week, I'll go all natural. Tangible things are nothing when you think about it in a way. It's the work that goes into making them, and the abstract reasons they come to you. The people they come from. That's what make them important. I'm not going to buy outsourced clothes anymore, anything made in China or India, Malaysia, etc.