DESPIT OF MY RAGE, I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE.
I have had so much anger deep down lately. I just break down sometimes when I'm alone, but just for a minute or two. It kind of feels good afterwards, kind of. Loneliness, having no one to talk to, not anyone in any immediacy. Iryne doesn't respond to me most of the time, but I understand, she has a whole. Brandi does as well. I can't contact Ely or Tim. And Yerika doesn't want to be there anymore.
I feel so hurt all the time. I feel like screaming at people. And I don't do that. I just kind of keep things hidden away. I need an outlet. I haven't been skating lately because my ankles feel sort of fucked up.
I have a date with Alex to watch a bunch of movies today. I know he likes me but I really don't feel like he understands me or really wants to. He talks about himself a lot and I like listening but whenever I provide something construed as more than simple commentary, he just keeps talking. Maybe it's because he's nervous, I don't know. I'll see how things go tonight. I guess he's just young. It's not like hanging out with Tim or Andrew. I shouldn't compare people though.
I try to read to expand the reigns of my intellect. It doesn't work. I only understand things if Rychlewski explains them. I feel really stupid. Like I claim to be smarter than I actually truly am. Reality check, I'm not that intelligent. What the fuck am I gonna do. Fucking screwup. In a constant battle between dragging myself down and lifting myself up. I am an asshole. ANd I'm just being straight, I'm not begging for compliments or secretly wanting someone to tell me I'm not one. I just am
"He talks about himself a lot "
ReplyDeletelol that was my favorite line. You know you can always scream at me if you want to.
I'll see you tomorrow, love. Friday.