Lay me out across the grey hours I should have kept at bay

I want to drop once more. This Friday? (Ely, tell me if you're game!!)

I've been feeling disconnected lately, even with people I really enjoy. Even with Ely (the most genuine and loving person I know), I feel like things are forced in some way. I feel as if I'm in a cloud of uncertainty. I don't know feel like I need to apply myself. I keep thinking what's the point. I remember when I first came to Schurz and I was trying really hard and going to do all that AP Art stuff. I was excited and happy, and thinking I had everything together. And I let it fall through. And I proved everyone who didn't believe me right. The biggest one being myself. I've found I only try half-heartedly. When Ely read me Brenda's suicide letter, I felt like I totally fucking got her. I don't even know this chick but I know we've felt the exact thing at some point in our lives. I wonder how many times that happens with people I have no knowledge of.

Last night, I got into a fight with my mom. She was just being sarcastic in a mean way, and I kept pointing out each time that she was being defensive and close-minded. She thinks anytime I'm not bubbly or happy, it's because of weed. Blasphemy, I say! She and I are on parallel lines. The last time I had something similar was about two years ago when things were out of control. I'm constantly in this void, trying to figure out how much I should conform. My mom considers herself a liberal, but she's very conservative in many ways. She disrespects anyone right away who's ever done any kind of recreational drug. She just gets by, by working her life away. She doesn't do what she loves. She does what America expects her to do. I don't know if she's truly happy. It's quite saddening. But I know it's all for me and my sister,and I am so fucking grateful. I hate that I treat her so badly. Anytime I fight the anger towards her, I feel like I'm pressing myself down. Is that right? That situation applies everywhere and to anything right now. So much doubt.

I hate that my last memory of being truly fucking happy was with Manny. I hate that.

On a different note, here's a new discovery. I'm going to try to see him in June in either Indiana or Iowa.