I am still so hurt. I want to be over all of this, hopefully writing this and getting it out will help.
Having so much love I gave to not be enough and to have it thrown back in my face. Anytime, I thought you were sad at school, I'd pull you to the side so you could vent, or cry, or do whatever you needed to do. I look back on all your posts saying you were so happy. I know I need space to figure my shit out, by myself. That helps me, I've been trying to learn to be able to take care of myself and not be so dependent on others for my selfworth. But I did truly think that I made you happy. But recently, you said all I did was do the opposite. So were they all lies? To have given you a handmade clock that I brought back from India and a pen and ink drawing I spent 2 weeks on, just to have you throw it away. I don't give a fuck about a god damn dvd. It's expendable. It's something you order on fucking Amazon. I thought I was a source of love in your life. That sentiment made feel happy. Like we were helping eachother. Like I was making a positive difference in your life. I feel like fucking shit to have been thinking I was and then I hear I accomplished only the exact opposite.
It only makes me realize how expendable I am.
Wow Allyson.
ReplyDeleteYou are not expendable at all. At least, not to me. And I'm sure you're not to the people that matter.
You're a precious beautiful gem. You really are.
It was your mom's so I thought she deserved it back. She offered it to me. And that was very kind of her. I loved the series. I didn't know who owned it, I assumed your mom, so I gave it back because she has nothing to do with this.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you want from me. I don't know why I matter at all.
But I know I am tired of communicating through written text/blog.
You weren't completely awful. I told you this already so many times. You didn't ALWAYS at all times make feel like shit. Your examples are stated above. But towards the end those negative emotions were all the emotions that were being received.
To some degree, we are all expendable. Life moves on. Maybe that's a pessimistic way of looking at shit, but really...think about it. You've moved enough to know that you find new people. New places. Two people who are irreplaceable - my mom and my grandfather.
Stop putting yourself worth into other people. It's bad for you. It's bad for them. You should know you are not a horrible person regardless of what happens with you & other people.
Stop. Allyson. Stop. Find something you love and do it. DO IT! Stop overthinking things. Doubting yourself or your worth. Or anything. Of course that is easier said than done. But I know there is a shit ton of things you want to do, and places to see, so start doing them.
Honestly, I thought you were over this. I am not saying it's bad that you are not... Just that I am suprised.
- Y
Also, I needed to get rid of things that reminded me of you and ely. Because like any break up. It was still a chapter in my life. People who at some point mattered. And it's sad to close that book So yeah. But I am not as heartless as you think.
"But towards the end those negative emotions were all the emotions that were being received." I agree. Received is the key word, here. Positive emotions and heartfelt advise were being given out, but they weren't received. That's not my fault.
ReplyDelete"Find something you love and do it." I've been hooping, visiting places, I'm enrolling in French school, I'm enrolled at Harold and have talked to teachers there about attending certain colleges afterwards. You don't know this because you haven't cared to ask. Because you've shut me out because you couldn't face your own insecurities and lack of acceptance of yourself.
"Stop over-thinking things." I doubt myself SOMETIMES and that's natural. I hardly let it consume me. At least, I really try to now.
You'd be much better off by taking your own advise.
I hope you know that you really hurt me. I won't be "over this" in a while. I can't cut the cord with people like you can. I really cared about you and still do. But it's done with, and you want nothing to do with me. That is and was your choice.
I talked to Manny the other day saying that he had a positive effect on me even though things ended badly. As you stated in the comment previous to this one, "[I] wasn't completely awful." There is nothing wrong with realizing the good in relationships you may not have now. I have a picture of you in my room; you affected me deeply in a good way. Everyone you have met has made you the woman you are today, and if you really love yourself, you should appreciate all of your acquaintances and friends (current and or past). So throwing away things you knew were really important for me to give to you was really "heartless".